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Today, after spending the weekend together, my ex turned nasty. I finally had the balls to tell him what a cruel asshole I think he is and really hit him where it hurts. I felt very empowered and strong. That is, until I realized I left my favourite and rather expensive jacket in his apartment. FML

by scorned_jacketless_lady / 08/26/2013 at 12:52am / Australia (Queensland) / Love

Today, my boyfriend and best friend decided to "help" by assembling my new front porch while I was away. Ecstatic, they displayed their handiwork. It's charming how the porch is precariously balanced, it leans in such a way that it appears it will fall over if you walk through the front door. FML

by Anonymous / 09/11/2013 at 4:20am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, it was the first dress rehearsal at a community theater. I'm playing a grandma to a bunch of little kids, and the guy who is playing the grandpa wears a fat suit. I put on my costume and one of the kids comes up to me and says, "Are you wearing a fat suit too?" and pokes my stomach. FML

by EmmaleeSupertramp / 02/13/2014 at 10:16pm / United States / Kids

Today, I had my first job interview after three years of unemployment. I was so happy that I broke down into tears the moment I saw the interviewer. Great first impression. FML

by Anonymous / 03/10/2014 at 12:38pm / United States (Oregon) / Work

Today, a week after moving into my new house, I'm seriously considering suing the previous occupant. He failed to mention how the neighbor has his own band and rehearses every other day until 2am. Their music is so bad, it sounds like the wailing of a cat being tortured to death. FML

by Anonymous / 04/05/2014 at 11:27am / United States (Wisconsin) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was looking at the map on my phone whilst walking down a street. I heard the sound of a bike behind me so I moved to let the cyclist past. He snatched the phone out of my hand and sped off. FML

by stupidcunt / 04/14/2014 at 7:43pm / United Kingdom (Essex) / Miscellaneous

Today, I am on vacation in Dubai with my dad and a few of his friends. I thought we were going to travel and see some amazing things, but I'm confined to my hotel room while everyone drinks and watches Family Guy. FML

by Anonymous / 04/26/2014 at 4:05pm / United Arab Emirates (Dubai) / Holidays

Today, I got a job. My parents have decided it's now a better idea to take money from my paycheck instead of grounding me. FML

by unseeable / 08/29/2014 at 5:21pm / United States (Arizona) / Money

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I lost my virginity. In the middle of it, he just gave up and said he wasn't in the mood anymore. Then I had to listen about his past failed relationships for over an hour. FML

by EliseV / 11/03/2014 at 1:56pm / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, army recruiters came to my school and set up some punching bags to attract potential recruits. I gave it a shot, managing to set the highest score at my school and fracture my wrist at the same time. FML

by Anonymous / 11/04/2014 at 1:30pm / United States (California) / Work

Today, a friend invited me to christmas dinner since I have no family close by. When I got there she told me her and her husband forgot they had another dinner to go to and asked if I would watch their kids for them. They each grabbed a handful of cookies I had baked and rushed out the door. FML

by Anonymous / 12/26/2014 at 12:59am / United States (Ohio) / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend jokingly said that if I didn't pass my exam, he wouldn't have sex with me for a month. I failed it, and now he thinks I did it on purpose. FML

by peteto818 / 12/18/2014 at 12:59pm / Bulgaria (Pernik) / Love

Today, I went to gather the laundry out of the dryer. My daughter had seen my wife put bleach in the washer, so she decided that honey in the dryer would make the clothes smell sweet. She wasn't wrong, but now I have a giant ball of sticky socks and underwear. FML

by Synonymous_Rex / 01/05/2015 at 4:26pm / United States (California) / Kids