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Today, I managed to bruise my nipple by closing an umbrella on it. The stupidity of the whole thing hurts almost as much as the injury. FML

by Anonymous / 07/14/2012 at 10:43am / Japan (Tokyo) / Health

Today, I wrecked my car and got rushed to the emergency room. While strapped to a gurney, a nurse reached in my back pocket, grabbed my wallet and pulled the velcro keeping my wallet shut. The entire room immediately started laughing as condoms and loose change went flying everywhere. FML

by UnderConstruction / 05/04/2012 at 10:34am / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous

Today, I had to call in sick to work because I was experiencing bowel distress. I called my manager's phone directly so no one else would know of my embarrassment. She put me on speakerphone, and I only realized when the juvenile laughter started. FML

by yolo is for shitheads / 10/09/2012 at 12:07pm / United States / Work

Today, I saw a very attractive young woman struggling with some boxes. The seduction attempt resulted in me carrying 60lbs of items for 30mins. When we got to her apartment, she thanked me and introduced me to her boyfriend. FML

by JacktheRussian / 04/07/2013 at 8:33pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I started my period almost a week earlier than I expected to. I also happened to be at the beach with a guy that I really liked when it started. He was the one who noticed, and he informed me by saying that we couldn't go back in the water or we would be eaten by sharks. FML

by Unsuspecting / 04/16/2016 at 8:23am / United States / Health

Today, I argued with a boy from school over a girl. I didn't know he was a black belt judoka. I'm still in pain. FML

by Pfff / 12/11/2008 at 5:40am / Miscellaneous

Today, while driving my car near a farm, I hit a man on the side of the road. I started freaking out and got out of the car to help him. It was then that I found out that I'd hit a scarecrow. FML

by questionmark707 / 04/12/2012 at 7:53pm / United States (California) / Transportation

Today, my boyfriend told me I sound like a squeaky toy during sex, and asked if I could get it under control because it creeps him out. FML

by Anonymous / 01/03/2016 at 4:41am / Switzerland (Zurich) / Intimacy

Today, my 4-year-old son is distraught. This morning we saw a man, dressed as Santa, passed out drunk on a public bench. My son is now convinced that it was his corpse, and that Santa Claus is dead. FML

by donguigeek / 12/23/2015 at 11:32pm / France / Kids

Today, I had two surprises for my boyfriend who was at work. One was a dessert and the other was sexy lingerie. He chose the dessert. Then told me I was an idiot. FML

by boyfriendisatoss / 12/26/2009 at 2:22am / Australia (Victoria) / Intimacy

Today, my girlfriend's new favorite TV show is Law and Order SVU. Now after every episode she insists on asking me if I'm sure I wasn't molested as a kid. She's still on the first season. FML

by soprahb / 10/19/2012 at 2:41am / United States / Love

Today, I received an email from my boss telling me how appreciated I was and how valuable I am to the company. I wish I hadn't scrolled down to read the included conversation where he asked his boss whether to lie to me about how good I was or not. FML

by IHateMyJob / 01/17/2009 at 11:00pm / United Kingdom (Edinburgh) / Work

Today, I was wearing my favorite silk sweater, one I actually paid full price for. I sat down in my desk chair to work, and when I tried to get up I felt a strange pull. A corner of my sweater is still stuck in the screw at the back of the chair, the rest is in the trash. FML

by dangit / 03/01/2010 at 12:01am / United States (New York) / Work