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Friday 17 January 2014

Top of the day | Top of the week | Top of the month | All time

Today, I'm a 34 year old male who just got given the sex talk on my Facebook timeline by my senile mother. 5ML

#21038727
67 comments

I agree, your life sucks (50825) - you deserved it (5592)

On 01/24/2014 at 8:29pm - intimacy - by Anonymous - United States (California)

Today, after a big argument, my girlfriend looked me dead in the eyes and said "I can go the rest of my life without sex, you know." 5ML

#21038360
125 comments

I agree, your life sucks (50621) - you deserved it (12892)

On 01/24/2014 at 3:24pm - intimacy - by Anonymous (man) - Sent from mobile version

Today, I was going to have sex, so I went to my basement to get my builder bear that I had stuffed my condoms in. The bear was gone. My dad gave it to charity. 5ML

#21037839
100 comments

I agree, your life sucks (50499) - you deserved it (18230)

On 01/24/2014 at 12:32am - intimacy - by Anonymous - United States (New Jersey)

Today, my husband jokingly told my daughter when she passes gas in public she needs to blame it on the fattest and ugliest person there. We went shopping after and she let a HUGE fart out. She gasped, "Mommy!" FML

#21031501
94 comments

I agree, your life sucks (50145) - you deserved it (7380)

On 01/18/2014 at 4:45am - kids - by FattestUgliestPerson (woman) - United Kingdom (Manchester)

Today, my parents left early in the morning to run some errands, and I thought it would be nice to shovel our rather large driveway for them while they were out. An hour later, they returned from the store with a snow blower. FML

#21032937
87 comments

I agree, your life sucks (49963) - you deserved it (5490)

On 01/19/2014 at 3:35pm - misc - by fail (man) - United States

Today, I have the flu. I woke up to my son leaning over me, inches from my face, breathing in deeply. Apparently, he was trying to get sick so he could stay home from school. He's 15. FML

#21034785
126 comments

I agree, your life sucks (49838) - you deserved it (5360)

On 01/21/2014 at 6:07am - kids - by sickmom (woman) - United States (Louisiana)

Today, after I took my first set of exams, my professor posted on Twitter, scoffing at how stupid one student's answer was. The answer he quoted was one that I wrote. FML

#21036248
173 comments

I agree, your life sucks (49328) - you deserved it (9897)

On 01/22/2014 at 4:41pm - misc - by Anonymous - Canada (Saskatchewan)

Today, I took a nap in my car right after finishing up at work. I was woken up by a hobo sitting in the passenger seat, watching me sleep. Apparently, he'd managed to unlock the door with a wire hanger. FML

#21027083
123 comments

I agree, your life sucks (49113) - you deserved it (5726)

On 01/13/2014 at 10:31pm - misc - by ShelterForTheHomless (woman) - United States (California)

Today, as I was taking out the trash, I spotted my cute neighbor doing the same. In a rush to get out before he went back inside, I slipped on my iced-over porch. I passed out and woke up with a note on my chest saying, "I unlocked your door but you were too heavy to drag inside". FML

#21027337
98 comments

I agree, your life sucks (48782) - you deserved it (7614)

On 01/14/2014 at 1:48am - misc - by rholt (woman) - United States (Kansas)

Today, and for the past week, my dog started barking at my door when I start masturbating. I think my mom is starting to suspect. FML

#21037288
121 comments

I agree, your life sucks (48712) - you deserved it (10861)

On 01/23/2014 at 4:06pm - intimacy - by fappy dog - United States (Illinois)

Today, I went to the health department to get on some birth control. I left the health department without birth control, and with the news that I'm pregnant. FML

#21034014
118 comments

I agree, your life sucks (48641) - you deserved it (32841)

On 01/20/2014 at 3:23pm - health - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Kansas)

Today, after arriving home from work I found that my dog took a dump down the air conditioning vents on the floor. Now the whole house smells so good. FML

Today, my grandfather told me that I was ugly. When my mom found out, she said that "old people are allowed to tell the truth". FML

#21028123
92 comments

I agree, your life sucks (47826) - you deserved it (4633)

On 01/14/2014 at 9:38pm - misc - by Pop - United States (New York)



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