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Monday 21 October 2013

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Today, during parent/teacher conferences, my mom told my Chemistry teacher that I have an intense crush on him. There are still 7 months left in the school year. FML

by Anonymous / 10/23/2013 at 10:04am / United States (Virginia) / Miscellaneous

Today, the tickets I bought for my favorite band's concert arrived in the mail. The concert was last night. FML

by MsConfusedd / 10/27/2013 at 12:11am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I failed hard at a color test. I thought it was a joke because most of the colors looked the same to me. Now I know why people laugh at my clothes color choices. FML

by Anonymous / 10/28/2013 at 12:51am / United States (California) / Health

Today, I heard crashing noises coming from my dining room. I got up to see what it was; my asshat cat was flinging himself at my chandelier. He'd figured out how to grab the ceiling fan from the other room, build momentum, and launch into my expensive chandelier. Hooray. FML

by IamAflyingCat / 10/22/2013 at 5:12am / United States / Animals

Today, my fiancée of 2 years and mother of my son, who is also pregnant with our second son, commented on how lucky two friends getting married were to have found each other. I said that we're just as lucky. She responded, "No. They actually love each other." FML

by failure / 10/27/2013 at 8:41pm / United States (Louisiana) / Love

Today, I witnessed my boyfriend taking a dump in the litter box. He said he wanted to know what it felt like for the cat. FML

by Anonymous / 10/23/2013 at 12:04pm / Canada (British Columbia) / Animals

Today, I finally got my driver's permit. To celebrate, my parents decided to go to a bar and make me wait in the car because I'm now the designated driver. FML

by Anonymous / 10/21/2013 at 6:57am / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend told me how jealous he gets when I "hang out" with Dylan. Dylan is the 5-year-old boy whom I babysit every day. My boyfriend wants me to stop, because apparently Dylan cockblocks him. FML

by Anonymous / 10/25/2013 at 8:49pm / United States (Michigan) / Love

Today, I got into a fight with my mother. Her idea of a birthday present to me is buying me a husband. Yes, buying. She told an asshat she found online about my trust fund, and now they're both trying to put together "the wedding of the millennium". She still doesn't understand why I'm mad. FML

Today, I was leaving the grocery store when an old woman started yelling at me for not holding the door open for her. She accused me of being "everything wrong with the younger generation". It was an automatic door. FML

by Greg / 10/28/2013 at 5:53pm / United States (Michigan) / Miscellaneous

Today, my wife ate nothing all day due to her morning sickness, but I tried to get her to eat something light, for our baby's sake. I brought her a banana. She yelled at me for being a "pervert" and accused me of just wanting to watch her stick a phallic object in her mouth. FML

by Anonymous / 10/27/2013 at 12:08pm / United States (Missouri) / Miscellaneous

Today, my now ex-boyfriend actually claimed that his cheating didn't count because A) the other girl is his lab partner, and B) she's overweight. FML

by Anonymous / 10/25/2013 at 5:39pm / United States (Ohio) / Love

Today, I found out that my girlfriend has been sleeping around. After telling my best friend, I also found out that he and a few others have known for the past month. He asked, shocked, "Dude, I thought you knew?" FML

by Anonymous / 10/25/2013 at 7:55pm / United States / Love