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Wednesday 4 September 2013

Top of the day | Top of the week | Top of the month | All time

Today, my mother informed me that we are no longer taking my graduation trip to New York. Instead, she and her group of continuously drunk friends are going to Vegas because, "We could win the jackpot and take you on an even bigger trip to New York!" She's never won anything in her whole life. FML

#20875663
90 comments

I agree, your life sucks (49797) - you deserved it (3234)

On 09/10/2013 at 11:52am - money - by zcollins - United States (California)

Today, I was watching a movie on TV. One of the characters has the same name as my dog, and when his name was called, my dog got so excited that he jumped face-first into my TV. FML

#20876988
106 comments

I agree, your life sucks (49725) - you deserved it (3967)

On 09/11/2013 at 12:57pm - animals - by ugh Buck! (woman) - United States

Today, I'm a police officer who had the honor of arresting my girlfriend of 3 months for prostitution. All of my coworkers at the station know her and won't stop giving me judging looks. FML

#20869348
102 comments

I agree, your life sucks (49567) - you deserved it (4950)

On 09/05/2013 at 8:29pm - love - by single again - United States (California)

Today, my boyfriend found out it makes a funny fart sound when he blows hard into my mouth in the middle of making out. I can't get him to stop doing it every time we kiss. FML

#20874035
117 comments

I agree, your life sucks (49548) - you deserved it (5381)

On 09/09/2013 at 2:15am - intimacy - by merpaderp14 (woman) - Canada

Today, I took my 4-year-old son to the bank with me. He asked why we were going, and I explained that I had a couple of checks that they would turn into money. When we got in line, he loudly exclaimed that "Mommy has checks for money!" Except "checks" sounded almost exactly like "sex". FML

#20875776
92 comments

I agree, your life sucks (49308) - you deserved it (4247)

On 09/10/2013 at 2:30pm - misc - by Anonymous - United States (Tennessee)

Today, after my grandma did some early Halloween costume shopping, I witnessed her modeling a "sexy nurse" outfit. After seeing her bare thighs and most of her ass, I don't think I can eat cottage cheese ever again. FML

#20868804
88 comments

I agree, your life sucks (49190) - you deserved it (4724)

On 09/05/2013 at 12:39pm - intimacy - by fuck my liBLARGHSLJNAdlajdSzxz (man) - Sweden (Stockholms Lan)

Today, I explained to my roommate that if she kept using all of our kitchen utensils as sex toys and hoarding them because of the varying degrees of orgasms she could achieve, we wouldn't be able to cook or eat in our own house. FML

Today, my obese mother-in-law took her top off at our pool party, exposing her sagging breasts. When I told her to cover herself, she lifted her breasts, turned them inwards, and squeezed them together while staring me in the eyes. She kept doing this on and off for the next two hours. FML

#20872521
143 comments

I agree, your life sucks (49018) - you deserved it (4873)

On 09/08/2013 at 2:52am - misc - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Florida)

Today, the mother of one of my students bitched me out about her son's poor grades. He lazes around all day, paying no attention and being a constant nuisance. But, she says it's not his fault, and demands that I give him better grades so he won't get "self-esteem" issues. FML

#20870380
127 comments

I agree, your life sucks (48841) - you deserved it (3204)

On 09/06/2013 at 4:36pm - work - by Anonymous (man) -

Today, I found out the unionized cleaning people that empty the garbage and clean the toilets make $19/hr and have more paid time off than I do with my college degree. FML

#20870911
183 comments

I agree, your life sucks (48514) - you deserved it (6772)

On 09/07/2013 at 12:37am - intimacy - by Anonymous - United States (Connecticut)

Today, one of my employees called in after his 8-hour shift, explaining that he had bed bugs at home, found one on his shirt, and thinks they are in the store. I own a mattress shop. They'd spread. FML

#20877588
89 comments

I agree, your life sucks (47719) - you deserved it (2632)

On 09/11/2013 at 9:12pm - work - by icanteven - United States (Kentucky)

Today, I bought $250 worth of groceries and was feeling rather good about myself because it's the first time I've been able to do so in months. When I returned home I found my fridge/freezer broken. Most of the food I bought was dairy or frozen. FML

#20875436
56 comments

I agree, your life sucks (47461) - you deserved it (3460)

On 09/10/2013 at 3:35am - money - by Anonymous (man) - United States (California)

Today, I used a restroom. While doing my thing, the power in my building completely went out. There was another person in the restroom making demonic noises and scratching at my stall. When the power came back on, he was gone. I think I'm being haunted. FML

#20867818
112 comments

I agree, your life sucks (47049) - you deserved it (3233)

On 09/04/2013 at 6:46pm - work - by dear god help me. - United States (Hawaii)



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