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April 2016

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Today, I was at a party. A guy kept looking at me, so I tried to strike up a conversation with him. I realized he was drunk when he slurred, "Ya know, you're the only girl I've met that's fat AND flat chested!" There goes my self-esteem. FML

by Anonymous / 04/19/2016 at 11:59am / United States (Missouri) / Miscellaneous

Today, I guess my son's balls dropped. I've caught him humping his sister's Selena Gomez posters several times today. For god's sake. FML

by Anonymous / 04/22/2016 at 4:14pm / United States (West Virginia) / Kids

Today, my boss praised me for always ranking first at work and how she hopes I keep it up for a long time. I then had to awkwardly hand her my letter of resignation. FML

Today, I decided to be honest and told my husband I didn't love him anymore. It ended with a warrant for his arrest. FML

by ktpnothappening / 04/03/2016 at 12:03pm / United States (South Carolina) / Love

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, a kind cyclist rode up next to me to inform me that my bag of groceries was about to fall off. Exceedingly careful, I slowly brought my bike to a halt. Only at the very second I stood still did I hear the dreaded "twang" as my carrier broke, and my stuff smashed to the ground. FML

by ThrewItOntheGrooooooound / 04/07/2016 at 5:48am / Denmark (Syddanmark) / Miscellaneous

Today, on a train, a little boy and girl come up to me and ask how babies are made. Already pretty uncomfortable with their question, their mother suddenly appears and says, "Go on, tell them!" FML

by Anthony / 04/14/2016 at 7:15pm / France / Intimacy

Today, my son is having housing issues, so I let him stay at my place for a while. Today, he found out that the quiet, dorky-looking professor who lives next door is an MMA fighter. He tried to break into the guy's house in the middle of the night and is now in the hospital. FML

by Jim / 04/19/2016 at 1:25pm / United States / Kids

Today, like everyday, I got on the train heading back from my university campus in Preston. Usually, it takes 20 minutes. When I sat down, I realised it was a non-stop service to Glasgow and the doors had closed. It took me 7 hours by train and a lift from my best friend at 2 a.m. to get home. FML

by Mintilou / 04/07/2016 at 11:17pm / United Kingdom (Sandwell) / Transportation

Today, I've suffered 3 months of my neighbor blasting his music so loud, it shakes my apartment floor. None of my noise complaints are ever followed up, but the moment I give him a piece of my mind, he calls the cops and they threaten me with jail time over a few curse words. FML

by 404 justice not found / 04/21/2016 at 3:15pm / United States (Michigan) / Miscellaneous

Today, as I was stretching, I realized my hand can reach all the way up to touch the fan, when it was on, and going full speed. FML

by numb fingers / 04/15/2016 at 1:54am / United States (California) / Love

Today, I scored the number of a cute girl. I gave her mine as well, just before leaving the bar. As I waved her goodbye, I attempted to do a cheesy "call me" gesture with my thumb and pinky finger, and winked. For a reason unknown to me, I ended up flipping her off. I still winked though. FML

by killme.jpeg / 04/17/2016 at 9:04pm / Netherlands (Zuid-Holland) / Miscellaneous

Today, my family is flying to Hawaii for a longed-for holiday. Well, my husband and children are; I'm in a hospital bed awaiting surgery on kidney stones that I never knew I had. Hopefully they'll send me a postcard. FML

Today, I went to the local clinic and I met a really cute guy. We hit it off quite well, and he asked me out. It's like The Fault in Our Stars, but instead of cancer, we have STDs. FML

by dvddtraveller / 04/22/2016 at 5:25pm / United States (California) / Love