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September 2016

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Today, I found out why my wife has been upset with me for the last week. She told me this morning that I did something to upset her on our date night last Friday, she won't tell me what, and she said she'll leave me if I do it again. FML

by dazedandconfused / 09/18/2016 at 5:44am / United Kingdom (Surrey) / Love

Today, I visited my Aunt in hospital. Another patient got jealous, so she threw a tantrum. She threw things at us, pulled her drip out, threw herself to the floor, screamed, pounded the floor with her fists and pissed herself. My aunt is still waiting for a new room, and the staff blame me. FML

by ANON / 09/21/2016 at 10:09am / United Kingdom (London, City of) / Health

Today, I accidentally sent my boss an explicit text message. She replied saying, "Very detailed, if only you put that much effort into your work". FML

by whoops / 09/02/2016 at 10:49am / United Kingdom (Nottingham) / Work

Today, my stupid coworker informed the managers that there were no more kids' menus downstairs. Trusting her word, they ordered 3 full boxes. She then asked me where we kept them. We now have 12,000 kids menus to fold. FML

by Lissa / 09/13/2016 at 8:00pm / United States (Wisconsin) / Work

Today, I ordered flowers to be delivered to my workplace on Tuesday. To myself. For my birthday. Because even though birthdays are posted in the monthly newsletter, mine gets left out every year. For the past four years. FML

by CouldBeALoser / 09/17/2016 at 2:26pm / United States (California) / Work

Today, I took my wife to a country concert for her birthday, even though I can't stand country. While she had the time of her life, I was punched twice, had a beer dropped on me, and had a rather large, drunk woman fall on me. Happy birthday, baby. FML

by Senseless_487 / 09/16/2016 at 2:29pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I got a call from my panicking grandmother. I asked her what was going on, and she explained that, “Godzilla doesn’t work.” Not really understanding, I asked her to clarify. “Yes, you know, Godzilla, to use the internet.” FML

by Grandzilla / 09/09/2016 at 12:10am / France (Champagne-Ardenne) / Geek

Today, I got a call from my employers wanting to ask why I had a no call, no show for today. My supervisor reported me for not showing up to work. It's my day off, and also my birthday. FML

by polkadotpinup / 09/16/2016 at 1:22pm / United States (Arizona) / Work

Today, I found out what happens when you sleep with a girl your chemistry major friend likes. He put silver nitrate in my body wash and shampoo. I look like I survived an explosion in a Sharpie factory. He says it'll come off "in a few days". FML

by dude i am so sorry / 09/19/2016 at 3:54pm / United States (Virginia) / Love

Today, I was told I have narcolepsy, and I've it for a year and a half. When asked why I didn't go to a doctor before, I answered that I'd always assumed it was a normal adult thing to fall asleep randomly because of how everyone says they're always exhausted. Apparently not. FML

by littlekellilee / 09/16/2016 at 12:27am / Canada / Health

Today, I found out the 28-year-old I am dating is actually 48. FML

by bruh_im18 / 09/17/2016 at 12:18pm / United States (Louisiana) / Love

Today, I was participating in an activity to join a program which I really wanted to join. One of the teachers in charge seemed to notice my efforts and asked if I wanted to join the program. I said yes, thinking I had a chance. She laughed, shook her head before saying no and walking away. FML

by maybe next time? / 09/14/2016 at 7:57am / Australia (New South Wales) / Work

Today, my girlfriend managed to trap a fart in her nightgown and carry it all the way from the bathroom, into our bedroom, and finally into our bed. FML

by Gas-pingForAir / 09/19/2016 at 4:59am / United States (Missouri) / Love