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May 2016

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Today, I fell in the shower, landing ass-crack first onto a can of shaving cream, which split my butt straight down the crack. FML

by Erin / 05/09/2016 at 10:18pm / United States (Ohio) / Health

Today, I met with a student in office hours to discuss an assignment when my nose started bleeding. I didn't know at first, so I blew my nose and an inhuman amount of blood sprayed out the side of the tissue all over my desk, the wall, and the student's paper. It looked like a murder scene. FML

by the bleeder / 05/13/2016 at 1:05am / Miscellaneous

Today, my college instructor told me I hadn't actually failed a big exam as he originally said. It turns out he'd mixed me up with another student. Now thanks to the power of gossip, half my class thinks I slept with him so he'd switch my grade with the other student's. FML

by Anonymous / 05/15/2016 at 6:25pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Miscellaneous

Today, even though my boyfriend knew that I was a devout catholic before he asked me on a date, he's pissed that I keep refusing to have sex. Apparently, he thought I was just playing hard to get and that I would eventually drop my panties like all the other slutty "religious" girls he claims to have fucked. FML

by Bethany / 05/20/2016 at 3:31pm / Germany / Intimacy

Today, a woman rear-ended my car. She's trying to sue me for 'emotional damage'. FML

by jameen / 05/07/2016 at 7:48am / United Kingdom (West Berkshire) / Intimacy

Today, at work, the shopping carts have coin locks on them so people put them back or don't go stealing them. A lady couldn't find a coin, so I unlocked one with my key and said to her, "It doesn't look like you will run off and steal it" as a joke. She replied, "I can't run darling, I have an artificial leg." FML

by TrolleyCollector / 05/13/2016 at 5:10am / Australia (Victoria) / Work

Today, I had to calm down an angry customer who claimed one of my employees had "traumatized" her dog. Apparently her dog is really OCD and my employee didn't line up the dog bed at the right angle. She threatened to report us to the BBB. How do these morons even exist? FML

by dumbfounded / 05/08/2016 at 8:14am / United States (California) / Work

Today, my coworker told me when we got to work that she purposely left her phone at home. I then had to suffer 8 hours of listening to her constantly whine like a toddler about how much she missed her phone. FML

by StephiLynn / 05/09/2016 at 12:33am / United States (Minnesota) / Work

Today, I walked in on my brother trying to stick his knob into a cola bottle. FML

by Anonymous / 05/01/2016 at 12:36am / United States (Connecticut) / Intimacy

Today, I went to the doctor's office, where my mother happens to work. When my doctor tried to prank her by saying I have chlamydia, my mother laughed and said she didn't believe it, adding, "Have you even seen the way she interacts with boys?" FML

by mcginnismr / 05/13/2016 at 6:57pm / Health

Today, my obnoxious roommate who always blasts crappy music day in and day out as loud as he can has reached an all time low. He has now started blasting Christmas music. It's May. FML

by LucyLollipop / 05/16/2016 at 3:16pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, a girl stole my heart. She also stole my wallet, phone, and keys. FML

by TriangularBanana / 05/06/2016 at 5:45pm / United States (Texas) / Love

Today, I went on a date with a guy I've been talking to. We ended up at his house around 4 a.m., but as we walked through the front door, his ex girlfriend was sitting on the couch, apparently waiting for him to get home. They still live together. FML

by aireeahna / 05/20/2016 at 2:04am / United States (Iowa) / Love