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April 2016

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Today, my neighbor called the cops on me, all because he heard me speaking Arabic. I was on the phone with my grandmother in Egypt. FML

by Anonymous / 04/22/2016 at 11:26pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, $1,000 were stolen from a deposit box to which only I and a coworker have access. I was so nervous during my interrogation that the cop said he had no doubt I was the one who stole the money. I had nothing to do with it. FML

Today, I was chatting with a new guy at work. He cracked a joke about me and I jokingly gave him a light push on the shoulder. Half a second after I touched him, he threw himself back and hit the floor yelling in "pain". Now I'm suspended because of this psycho. FML

by framed / 04/02/2016 at 8:30am / United States (New Hampshire) / Work

Today, I lay in bed reflecting on my fiancé's complaint about my lack of displays of affection. I felt terrible, so I rolled over and hugged him in his sleep. He's a fully trained martial artist and his immediate reaction was to try to snap my neck. FML

by bruised / 04/11/2016 at 3:26am / United States (Michigan) / Love

Today, my boyfriend called condoms the "biggest scam in history" and said I won't get pregnant if I just wash myself out with vinegar after we finish. FML

by Anonymous / 04/16/2016 at 4:32am / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, my wife and I were Skyping, when she decided to put on a "show" for me. Seconds before she was about to climax, we lost internet connection. FML

by 0h_Boy / 04/20/2016 at 4:03pm / United States (New York) / Intimacy

Today, I'm the only grandchild who regularly visits, calls and runs errands for my grandparents, even though I live two hours away. I'm also their biggest disappointment because I'm not married. FML

by Anonymous / 04/01/2016 at 8:30pm / Germany (Baden-Wurttemberg) / Miscellaneous

Today, the guy I've been seeing asked me to have a threesome. With his girlfriend. FML

by emi / 04/03/2016 at 1:18pm / United States (Oklahoma) / Intimacy

Today, my girlfriend wanted to try having sex despite her serious body image issues. Unfortunately, I couldn't get it up due to how utterly terrified she looked. Now no matter what I say, she thinks it's all because her body is hideous. FML

by Anonymous / 04/06/2016 at 12:59pm / United States (Connecticut) / Intimacy

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to clean our apartment, and then we went out to grab a bite to eat. When we returned, I found a baby's sock in the middle of the floor. Neither of us have a baby, and nobody we know does either. Now I'm just waiting for the doll-themed nightmares tonight. FML

by Squeepy / 04/09/2016 at 11:45pm / United States (Michigan) / Miscellaneous

Today, traffic was so bad that I was able to connect to the WiFi of a nearby McDonald's and successfully listen to a 30-minute podcast. FML

by Mcwifi / 04/21/2016 at 1:58pm / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, my boss called me and asked why I haven't been showing up to work. I didn't show up because he fired me last week over the phone. Then he fired me again for not showing up to work. FML

by faeliality / 04/18/2016 at 4:39am / United States / Work

Today, I started my period almost a week earlier than I expected to. I also happened to be at the beach with a guy that I really liked when it started. He was the one who noticed, and he informed me by saying that we couldn't go back in the water or we would be eaten by sharks. FML

by Unsuspecting / 04/16/2016 at 8:23am / United States / Health