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August 2015

Top of the day | Top of the week | Top of the month | All time

Today, my local USPS delivery man refused to deliver any more packages to my house, because in the past, my dogs have barked at him and he feels threatened. He also filed a complaint about our house because apparently my driveway has branches that, to him, are considered "hazardous." FML

Today, my date came to pick me up for a date. As I was getting into his car, a large blister on my foot burst. My foot is now swimming in a pool of hot, liquid pus. FML

Today, my wife accused me of cheating. Why? Because I recently started working out, and according to her, no married man tries to improve his physique unless he's trying to look good for other women. I can't believe I married this neurotic wreck. FML

#21459202
98 comments

I agree, your life sucks (21801) - you deserved it (4006)

On 08/22/2015 at 5:44am - love - by Anonymous (man) - New Zealand (Auckland)

Today, my friend offered to make me a playlist for the gym. I thought it was really thoughtful, until I started listening to it during my workout and realized that every single song was "Supersize Me" with the title changed. FML

#21451102
41 comments

I agree, your life sucks (21730) - you deserved it (1997)

On 08/02/2015 at 11:25pm - health - by Anonymous - United States (Michigan)

Today, my boyfriend told me he doesn't like cuddling in bed because he hates rebreathing his own carbon dioxide. FML

#21451972
81 comments

I agree, your life sucks (21684) - you deserved it (2612)

On 08/04/2015 at 10:33pm - love - by Carowl (woman) -

Today, after some great sex, my boyfriend mused: "You know, from this position, I could punch you in the cunt and you wouldn't be able to stop me." I could only relax when he finally fell asleep nearly an hour later. FML

#21459620
101 comments

I agree, your life sucks (21640) - you deserved it (2407)

On 08/23/2015 at 10:03am - health - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (North Carolina)

Today, I went on a date with someone I considered a real catch, my potential soulmate even. He ended up telling me about his fetish for "female smells", sang loudly in Italian in a crowded restaurant, and ate most of the food on my plate. Man, fuck dating. FML

#21458335
55 comments

I agree, your life sucks (21626) - you deserved it (2169)

On 08/20/2015 at 2:02am - love - by Catsfordays - United States (California)

Today, my mom got angry that I wasn't responding to her texts. I couldn't because I was in the dentist's chair. She'd dropped me off, and after returning from errands, sent the text from the waiting room. FML

#21455023
36 comments

I agree, your life sucks (21609) - you deserved it (1414)

On 08/12/2015 at 12:05am - misc - by Anonymous - United States (Wisconsin)

Today, an older lady approached me at work and stroked my hair, telling me it was 'beautiful'. This isn't unusual, I'm a natural redhead and octogenarians especially seem to love the colour. However, the unusual part was the glob of snot she left in my hair from her unwashed hands. FML

#21452391
44 comments

I agree, your life sucks (21568) - you deserved it (1466)

On 08/05/2015 at 7:24pm - misc - by gingerwhinger - United Kingdom (Milton Keynes)

Today, I was forced to watch my 5 year old cousin. In an attempt to get him to sit still for a minute, I challenged him to a thumb wrestling match. It's been 2 hours and he keeps thumb wrestling me. If I stop, he cries. FML

Today, we learned that our dog can run and urinate simultaneously. The entire house smells like piss. FML

#21456522
36 comments

I agree, your life sucks (21549) - you deserved it (1721)

On 08/15/2015 at 11:16pm - animals - by anonymous - United States (South Carolina)

Today, I met my fiancé's much older sister for the first time. Turns out she is actually my old high school English teacher who used to make me cry at least 3 times a week. It's been three hours and I've accidentally called her Miss Willow 4 times and been reduced to tears twice. FML

#21462491
115 comments

I agree, your life sucks (21540) - you deserved it (2316)

On 08/30/2015 at 8:13am - misc - by Alice (woman) - United States (Utah)

Today, while I was pulling weeds, my dad thought it would be absolutely hilarious to yell "Hey, son!" then unload his gun at me when I turned around. After I'd screamed like a bitch and pissed myself, he broke down into hysterical laughter and said he'd loaded the gun with blanks. Fuck you, dad. FML

#21462545
176 comments

I agree, your life sucks (21459) - you deserved it (1599)

On 08/30/2015 at 11:44am - misc - by Anonymous (man) - United States



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