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February 2014

Top of the day | Top of the week | Top of the month | All time

Today, I had satanic gastric distress. Attempting to make light of this fact, and, being incredibly bored and seemingly alone at work, I managed to fart the intro to "Smoke on the Water" perfectly. Somebody clapped. FML

Today, after years of insomnia and going to doctors to help get a regular sleeping pattern, I finally fell asleep without the help of medication, only to dream about being chased by an angry seal and singing to Rihanna with a horse. This is probably why I don't sleep. FML

#21049132
87 comments

I agree, your life sucks (43537) - you deserved it (4036)

On 02/03/2014 at 8:29am - health - by Sleepless (woman) - Australia (Queensland)

Today, like every day, I had to walk to my bus stop. The only difference today is there was snow and ice over everything. Not only did I slip and fall, soaking both myself and the contents of my bag, the bus driver saw me there at the bus stop and drove straight past. FML

#21051124
77 comments

I agree, your life sucks (43483) - you deserved it (3681)

On 02/05/2014 at 9:07am - misc - by no snow day (woman) - United States (Illinois)

Today, my dogs freaked out and started getting violent because they thought the sound of my vibrator was the other's growling. FML

#21048300
85 comments

I agree, your life sucks (43453) - you deserved it (11022)

On 02/02/2014 at 4:50pm - animals - by foops (woman) - United Kingdom

Today, at the bank where I work, I escorted a very short woman to her safe deposit box in the vault. I left her alone, knowing she could use the phone to call the reception when she was ready to leave. We later realised the phone was too high for her to reach. If glares could kill. FML

#21057082
67 comments

I agree, your life sucks (43403) - you deserved it (6927) - Translated from the french version of FML. Bon appétit!

On 02/11/2014 at 5:01am - work - by norina (woman) - Sent from mobile version

Today, I was bitched out at 2am by my parents, for trying to "sneak out." I was sneaking out of my bedroom to take a crap. FML

#21048094
91 comments

I agree, your life sucks (43191) - you deserved it (3773)

On 02/02/2014 at 12:33pm - misc - by Anonymous - United States (New York)

Today, a robin flew into my window and died. My mom, being a biology teacher, thought it would be a great experience for my brother and me to dissect it on the kitchen table. She threatened to ground us if we didn't do it. FML

#21054692
105 comments

I agree, your life sucks (43129) - you deserved it (3871)

On 02/08/2014 at 6:24pm - animals - by sciencesadness (man) - United States (Washington)

Today, at the grocery store, an elderly woman asked for help with some tea. I lent her a hand, spending a good twenty minutes reading different labels out loud until she found one she liked. After she was done, she handed me a pamphlet and said, "You're a nice girl. I hope you don't go to hell." FML

#21050005
114 comments

I agree, your life sucks (43123) - you deserved it (4601)

On 02/04/2014 at 1:16am - misc - by Lithiac - United States (Florida)

Today, I caught my boyfriend stealing money from my purse. He tried to turn it on me by claiming I'll owe him for the flowers he'll get me on Valentine's Day, then tried to make me feel guilty by saying the whole thing is for "selfish bitches anyway". FML

#21055376
128 comments

I agree, your life sucks (43020) - you deserved it (5199)

On 02/09/2014 at 2:00pm - love - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Massachusetts)

Today, I discovered that when one of my toddlers throws up, the other sympathy-pukes too, and that this continues until they're both empty. I guess my car is going to stink of vomit for a while. FML

#21057222
48 comments

I agree, your life sucks (42974) - you deserved it (3485)

On 02/11/2014 at 2:10pm - kids - by Anonymous (woman) - Canada (Saskatchewan)

Today, while at a funeral for a distant family member, I was giving my condolences to the family. When one of them asked how I was doing, I replied with, "I'm still alive!", which is one of my standard responses due to being a cashier and being asked that question a hundred times a day. FML

Today, I found my daughter's "sex songs" playlist. I was more disappointed by her poor taste in music than the fact that she is already sexually active. FML

#21056009
88 comments

I agree, your life sucks (42951) - you deserved it (7480)

On 02/10/2014 at 1:42am - kids - by aarong (man) - United States (Florida)

Today, after months of looking at cribs and picking out the perfect one for my unborn daughter, the store informed me that they no longer make that crib, even though the model is right there on the sales floor. I had to leave as my hormones got the best of me and I started bawling. FML



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