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January 2014

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Today, my wife got so drunk she kissed another guy when the ball dropped. FML

by dantko / 01/01/2014 at 12:04am / United States (Michigan) / Love

Today, I found a great recipe for dinner, and emailed it to myself with the subject "Dinner tonight". Hours later, I'd forgotten all about it, opened my emails, saw the subject line, and thought someone was asking me out to dinner. I got really excited until I saw the sender address. FML

by Mels / 01/06/2014 at 3:57pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Miscellaneous

Today, I asked my 5-year-old nephew to clean up his mess of toys. He responded by kicking my foot. My bandaged foot which was still recovering from my surgery last week. I'm probably going to need another operation to fix the damage. FML

by scotsgal / 01/05/2014 at 12:11am / United States (California) / Kids

Today, while driving home, my 3-year-old daughter told me she had to poop. I told her that she would have to wait until we got home. When we got home, she pulled down her pants and shat on the floor, because, "I'm home now." FML

by mom / 01/25/2014 at 11:29pm / United States (Texas) / Kids

Today, my boyfriend met my parents. Within minutes, my dad managed to verbally sever his balls and reduce him to tears, "just for fun" apparently. FML

by Anonymous / 01/04/2014 at 6:13pm / Canada (Ontario) / Love

Today, my grandfather told me that I was ugly. When my mom found out, she said that "old people are allowed to tell the truth". FML

by Pop / 01/14/2014 at 9:38pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, after arriving home from work I found that my dog took a dump down the air conditioning vents on the floor. Now the whole house smells so good. FML

by seth7_ / 01/18/2014 at 2:14am / United States (Florida) / Animals

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I visited my girlfriend at her place, one thing lead to another, and we had sex for the first time. Her normally very sweet cat now hisses and savages me if I so much as look at him. FML

by idiot says pussy / 01/21/2014 at 12:43pm / United States / Intimacy

Today, I was called by the counselor to discuss my "issues". She told me that other students had reported to her that they saw scars on my arms. I don't cut, I just have a hormonal and aggressive parrot who sees me as his personal tree. FML

by That Girl with the Amazon Parrot / 01/04/2014 at 2:21am / United States / Animals

Today, I've had my tenth "Christmas" dinner since Christmas last took place. My mum has gone nuts and keeps playing Christmas music, making these dinners, and refusing to let me take down the Christmas decorations. My dad is too whipped to save us from this hell. FML

by Anonymous / 01/04/2014 at 4:31pm / Ireland / Miscellaneous

Today, my dad asked me to lend him some money to buy his medication, since he's all but broke right now. He returned with nothing but a bottle of tequila. FML

by chiktikka / 01/14/2014 at 5:06pm / United Kingdom / Money

Today, my boyfriend proposed: he told me the feeling he gets from being in love with me is the best feeling in the world, even better than the feeling he gets when he poops. FML

by Anonymous / 01/25/2014 at 10:43am / United States (New York) / Love

Today, I hacked into my best friend's Facebook account to message my mother about organizing a surprise party for myself for my 21st. She ignored the message for two days before replying, "I don't think so. No one would really show up and I think that would hurt her feelings." FML

by nolovefor21 / 01/16/2014 at 6:45am / Australia (New South Wales) / Miscellaneous