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Today, my new girlfriend told me I don't snore when I sleep. Which is funny, since during the last year of my marriage, my ex-wife would make me sleep on the couch because my loud snoring kept her up. FML

by quietsleeper / 10/13/2009 at 7:07am / United States (Florida) / Love

Today, I wondered if my orgasms are worth the bother, seeing as I get horrible "I feel like I'm dying" cramps every time I climax. FML

by imawesome / 03/01/2012 at 10:54pm / United States / Intimacy

Today, I had to give my boyfriend an enema. FML

by coop7291 / 08/24/2012 at 1:21am / United States / Health

Today, I was outside at a café and looked at my phone. When I did, a woman halfway across the patio started screaming at me, demanding I tell her who I was texting and why. She then sprinted over, furious at me for apparently badmouthing her to somebody. All I did was check the time. FML

by Anonymous / 03/17/2013 at 7:00am / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, my mom accused me of smoking weed. Truth is, I'd just ripped the quietest and weirdest smelling fart of my life. She wouldn't believe me, accused me of making stupid excuses up, and grounded me. FML

by valarmorgoolies / 02/06/2015 at 1:51pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, I asked my professor for his opinion on the subject I plan to study in my thesis. Turns out, he likes it so much that he's going to steal it from me. FML

by nothesisforme / 03/11/2015 at 10:01am / France / Work

Today, my wife, in her magnificent wedding dress, had her period during the ceremony. How did I find out? The same way everyone else did. FML

by noname / 12/13/2008 at 12:48am / Love

Today, my boyfriend told me that he was gay and that he is in love with my younger brother. FML

by Wenny / 01/18/2009 at 7:41am / United States (Connecticut) / Love

Today, while driving, a girl on her cellphone cut me off. A second later, another person behind me on a cellphone rear ended me. Her excuse was, "I'm sorry, you weren't there a minute ago!" FML

by drivencrazy / 07/06/2010 at 12:42pm / United States (Ohio) / Transportation

Today, I got a text message from my boss that read, "You've been very bad. Severe punishment is in order." I'm not sure whether I should be turned on or terrified. FML

Today, my boss chewed me out for leaving a work function early. I explained it was to avoid a former co-worker I constantly fought with. The boss revealed he purposely invited that former co-worker, hoping our fight would provide entertainment. FML

by Anonymous / 03/17/2015 at 10:54am / Canada (Alberta) / Work

Today, I got a phone call to say my workplace was closed due to extreme weather conditions. Looking forward to my day off, I then realised the boiler was broken and my house has no heating despite there being a foot of snow outside. I'm spending the day in bed, wearing all my clothes. FML

by Anonymous / 12/02/2010 at 3:11am / United Kingdom (London) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out that when my girlfriend said she gave up sex for lent, it was just with me and not my brother. FML

by ohno / 03/25/2012 at 9:11am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Intimacy