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Today, my husband and I are both suffering from food poisoning. He has horrible, raging, rank smelling, explosive diarrhea; I am vomiting every 15 minutes. We have one bathroom. FML

by AW / 01/10/2011 at 7:48am / Health

Today, my dad decided to have a little father and daughter bonding time. Unfortunately, his idea of bonding involves him sitting around at home, getting piss drunk, and falling asleep. FML

by Z / 04/09/2011 at 6:29pm / United Kingdom (Manchester) / Miscellaneous

Today, my parents' divorce was finalized, and my mother decided to publicly celebrate with a bikini wax. She calls it her "Declaration of Independence". FML

by Anonymous / 09/03/2011 at 1:06pm / United States / Intimacy

Today, after working for over ten years at a dead-end factory line, I told my friends I was going to take some business courses and land myself a real job. All they've done since is laugh, mock me, and say that if Clinton couldn't fix the economy, I have no chance. FML

by workworkwork / 11/25/2011 at 8:37pm / United States (Florida) / Geek

Today, I was babysitting a four-year-old girl, when I came across a toy that sang the Macarena. For fun, I decided to teach her the dance. When she showed her parents, instead of putting her hands on her backside and turning, she decided to bend over and moon them. FML

by fired / 06/27/2012 at 4:48pm / United Kingdom (London, City of) / Kids

Today, I discovered that the "dish soap" my sister uses to clean our dishes when it's her turn, is actually a semi-toxic floor cleaner. FML

by emmingle / 05/13/2013 at 7:05pm / Canada (British Columbia) / Miscellaneous

Today, while I was in the shower, my 4 year old son wondered what would happen if he put 6 eggs in the microwave. FML

by why do eggs explode / 10/12/2015 at 5:35pm / Canada (Alberta) / Kids

Today, I went on a date with a guy that I have been crushing on for 2 years. At the end of the date he tells me that he is moving away and as his going away present, I could pay for dinner. FML

by Anonymous / 02/22/2010 at 6:28am / United States (Texas) / Love

Today, I came home to find that my mother had sold all my valuable collector coins for cheap at a local shady pawn shop to buy herself a TV. The coins in question were worth enough to start a business. FML

by Ilostsomuch / 01/04/2012 at 1:30pm / United States (Florida) / Money

Today, I got my very first yeast infection. Thinking she would help me, I went to my mom. Instead she began yelling about how I'm lying and it's an STD and I don't believe in the power of Jesus. FML

by Anonymous / 02/12/2013 at 6:01pm / United States / Health

Today, I found out that the only girl who's ever called me cute or handsome is actually a compulsive liar. FML

by compulsiveliarssaytheylikeme / 09/17/2014 at 9:37pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Love

Today, I was working at the local grocery store and a customer of mine, who had only bought two granola bars and was holding up my line, tried to convert me to Christianity. Out of all the people to target, she chose the shy atheist who just wanted to do her minimum wage job in peace. FML

by Quortney / 07/22/2015 at 12:20am / United States / Work

Today, at work, I realized that not everyone in the office needs to hear my explosive diarrhea through the a/c vents that interconnect through the entire building. I think an email was sent around, describing people's reactions in detail. FML

by Anonymous / 10/26/2009 at 11:15pm / United States (California) / Work