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Today, a girl said to me, "Sorry, but I have a boyfriend". I hadn't said anything to her. FML

by CCrew42 / 11/20/2014 at 7:27pm / United States (Washington) / Love

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I was playing with 3 kids I look after. The middle one has just learned about sex and started chanting that I had done it with the eldest as a joke. We were in the garden and the neighbours heard. Now I am fired, have to leave the house and am being investigated by the police. FML

by Jack / 02/01/2009 at 3:54am / United Kingdom (London) / Intimacy

Today, I bit into a cereal bar and thought the inside was oddly damp. I took a look at it and saw a maggot worm wriggling around. Its friend was in my mouth. FML

by Rachel / 02/02/2009 at 5:00pm / United States (California) / Work

Today, my dad gave me a football signed by my favourite football player. It would've been great, except that I saw my dad sign it in front of me. The worst part is that he denies doing it. FML

by bibobobonnor / 09/28/2010 at 12:40am / Canada (British Columbia) / Miscellaneous

Today, while walking home I was jumped by two guys, one of whom shouted, "You shouldn't have run your mouth off, Rick!" My name is John. Only after they repeatedly axe-kicked me in the chest did they realize their mistake. It now hurts to breathe. FML

by John / 06/24/2011 at 7:58pm / United States (California) / Health

Today, I gave my puppy a treat for finally doing his business in the grass instead of on the patio. He later puked it up all over the patio. FML

by missmisfit / 06/13/2012 at 12:14am / Canada (Quebec) / Animals

Today, while making out in my car, the guy I was with decided it'd be a great idea to stick his tongue in my ear. He shoved it in so far that my ear still feels wet four hours later. FML

by Anonymous / 09/03/2015 at 9:30pm / Intimacy

Today, my wife told me she wanted a divorce. She also confessed that she has been cheating on me with my best friend for 10 years. I appreciated the honesty, but was slightly upset considering we have only been married for 9 years. FML

by allocomrade / 07/29/2009 at 4:23pm / United States (New York) / Work

Today, a cop pulled me over and started bitching me out. He was certain I'd been drinking, because, "Nobody goes to Albertacos this late at night unless they're drunk." FML

by tbalboa / 07/01/2011 at 1:27pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I met my new roommate. She severely struggled with pronouncing my name, and decided that to save time and the effort, she's just going to call me what she thinks my name sounds like: Lube. FML

by Anonymous / 08/05/2011 at 4:25pm / United States (Louisiana) / Miscellaneous

Today, I bought a book by a #1 bestselling author, hoping it would distract me from having my manuscript rejected, as well as learn what made their book so successful. Now I realize I need to say stuff like, "I wish I had great boobs (hehe... boobs)" to get my works published. FML

by WishIWasAWriter / 09/08/2011 at 2:03pm / United Kingdom (Cheshire) / Miscellaneous

Today, my kids tried to make grilled cheese by turning the toaster sideways. When all was done, it all flew out onto the kitchen floor. Both my kids and my husband left the mess there for me to clean up when I got home. FML

by Anonymous / 01/23/2012 at 5:07pm / United States / Kids

Today, my mom took me to dinner. She told me about an argument that she and her boyfriend had, and she showed me the texts. While reading, I learned that she smells his dick before sucking it. FML

by lisahb / 06/19/2012 at 6:16pm / United States (Michigan) / Intimacy