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Today, I spent the entire day at the hospital and was sent home attached to an obnoxious and somewhat painful heart monitor. I felt fine and decided to go to a bonfire with a few friends. I thought everyone was being nice until I overheard the guys referring to me as an unattractive xbox. FML

by Anonymous / 11/26/2009 at 9:13pm / United States (Tennessee) / Miscellaneous

Today, it hit me that my dad didn't cry when I moved out, he did so only when I came back later to pick up my cat. FML

by number2 / 12/15/2009 at 3:50am / United States (California) / Animals

Today, I found out that, if timed just right, the alarm function on my phone can be disabled by a text message. And my dad has an impeccable sense of timing. I was 20 minutes late for work. FML

by Ishii / 02/07/2010 at 1:58pm / Canada (British Columbia) / Work

Today, my mom instructed me to never scream when being attacked by a rapist. Apparently it would only anger him, causing him to chop my boobs off and superglue my eyes shut. FML

by Sabraynay / 09/28/2011 at 2:47am / Intimacy

Today, I came back home to find that my house had been robbed, one week after my neighbors. I was walking around my neighborhood to see if anything was suspicious, and discovered that my neighbors had put up a sign, reading: "Rob the neighbors, THEY don't have a security system." FML

by TheAnnoyedNeighbor / 10/03/2011 at 2:08am / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend of a year broke up with me by saying, "It's not you, it's me. I have a terrible taste in women." FML

by LonelyMe / 10/30/2012 at 9:27am / Love

Today, working as a cashier, I had a customer come through and ask to purchase a bag of ice. I asked, "Eight pound or twenty pound?", referring to the clearly marked weight of the bags. He replied, "What's the difference?" FML

by Anonymous / 11/12/2013 at 6:56pm / United States (Maryland) / Work

Today, I felt so lonely that I asked Siri to read me Wikipedia articles so that I could pretend I was having a conversation with a real human being. FML

by Anonymous / 11/19/2015 at 12:49am / United States (Connecticut) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was working Customer Service at Wal Mart. An elderly lady came to my register to return a pair of white pants. I asked her what was wrong with them and she replied "even when I had underwear on you could still see my pubic hair." The pants had hair on them. FML

by Anonymous / 06/24/2009 at 1:41am / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous

Today, my best friend told me that she is only my friend because she is prettier than me and being my friend boost her confidence. FML

by fothermuckerrr / 05/14/2010 at 12:07am / United States (Tennessee) / Miscellaneous

Today, I learnt there's a woman who comes into my store only to hear my Barry White-like voice. My boss knows who it is, yet refuses to tell me because it's "hilarious." I'm now cautious of every customer. FML

by Anonymous / 01/30/2012 at 4:00am / Australia (New South Wales) / Work

Today, I had to listen to my boss say "Arabica beans" in a goofy, fake New England accent every time the McDonald's ice coffee commercial came on the radio. I worked a 12-hour shift. FML

by Anonymous / 10/28/2013 at 8:53pm / United States (Rhode Island) / Work

Today, my roommate let out a blood-curdling scream in the bathroom. I ran in to see what was going on, only to find her sitting on the toilet, topless. Turned out she'd tried to pierce her own tit using a clothespin and a needle. FML

by Anonymous / 02/15/2015 at 12:57pm / Denmark / Miscellaneous