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Today I had to listen to my father lecture me on all the potential dangers of Halloween. He has a speech for every holiday, every year. I'm 28 years old. FML

by StromyG2 / 10/24/2011 at 10:54am / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, I overheard my dad telling his work buddy that he's disappointed in his kid. I assumed he meant my brother, for flunking out of school. He meant me, for quitting sports to focus on my studies. FML

by Anonymous / 11/02/2011 at 10:43am / United States (Minnesota) / Kids

Today, things started to heat up in the bedroom. Not in a sexual way, though; the lamp caught fire. FML

by pmek / 03/26/2012 at 5:11am / Australia (Victoria) / Intimacy

Today, after a particularly difficult late night workout at the gym, I decided to shower in the locker room. I must have passed out, because I later woke up naked, surrounded by police after someone called to report a dead body in the shower. FML

by wetandnaked / 07/09/2012 at 3:06am / United States (California) / Health

Today, I met my boyfriend's parents for the first time. His father was completely wasted, his mom was high, and his 11-year-old sister was talking about her favorite alcoholic drinks at the dinner table. FML

by Anonymous / 01/11/2015 at 9:41pm / United States (Georgia) / Love

Today, I woke up to a broken car window and a text from my ex that read, "Before you ask me, the answer is yes." FML

by jamienicole1993 / 02/04/2015 at 8:21pm / United States (Georgia) / Miscellaneous

Today, a kid came into the classroom I teach in to tell me there was "something" in the girls' toilets. "What kind of something", I asked? I was not expecting the answer "A period mural". FML

by Kidsthesedays / 11/09/2015 at 2:33pm / United Kingdom (Cambridgeshire) / Kids

Today, my best guy friend set me up on a blind date. Almost immediately after the guy and I sat down, he excused himself to make a call. A couple of feet away from our table, I heard him say, "Come on, Justin, this is the best you could do??" Over the phone. Justin is the guy who set us up. FML

by blind_loser / 07/11/2009 at 9:19pm / United States (Illinois) / Love

Today, my aunt and uncle stole $584 from me, since I'm moving out. Their reasoning? I stole things. When I asked what I'd stolen, my aunt looked me straight in the eye and said "Milk Duds." FML

by Anonymous / 08/24/2011 at 4:03am / United States / Money

Today, I reached a new level of commitment in my relationship with my boyfriend. This happened when he pooped on the side of the road beside my truck, while talking and making eye contact with me while wiping. FML

by ordinaryday / 05/22/2012 at 8:21am / Canada (Alberta) / Love

Today, a customer threw his hot coffee all over me, because it was taking "too long" for their credit card to be approved. FML

by cwl727 / 04/09/2014 at 12:49pm / United States (California) / Work

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I asked the girl I sort of like as we were leaving class how her day was going so far. She said, 'Great. Don't ruin it.' FML

by loser / 01/08/2015 at 4:26pm / United States (Florida) / Love

Today, it was hot out, so I wore shorts. My dad took one look at me and said, "Your thighs are so pale, it's like staring into the sun". FML

by xolaurennnn / 05/22/2015 at 11:55am / United States / Miscellaneous