Choose the period

Choose a category

Today, my demented asswipe of a lab partner thought it'd be funny to replace the birthday gift I bought for my girlfriend with the large intestine of a recently-dissected dog. My girlfriend nearly fainted when she opened the gift box, and accused me of planning the whole thing. FML

by Anonymous / 06/28/2013 at 1:34pm / Nigeria (Lagos) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was on the subway, when the girl opposite me suddenly started shouting and accusing me of photographing her. I was reading a book on my phone, and I showed her the screen, but I got shoved around anyway by another guy, who threatened to report me for being a pervert. FML

by Anonymous / 03/09/2014 at 3:31pm / Singapore / Transportation

Today, I met my best friend's girlfriend for the first time. After a few hours of talking and eating, she followed me to the bathroom and said, dead serious, ''If you ever touch him or get too close to him, I will cut you''. I've known him for twelve years, they have been dating for a month. FML

by ohwell / 11/24/2014 at 8:44am / Sweden (Stockholms Lan) / Love

Today, my cat still loves me too much. He schedules his dumps for when I'm doing my makeup in the bathroom so he can stay with me. I either have to suffer the noxious odor or be late for work. This is a daily thing. FML

by oh_lordy_me / 09/24/2015 at 1:53pm / United States (Illinois) / Animals

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I realized that the only part of my body that has had a reduction in size from changing my diet and working out isn't my stomach or my thighs but my already undersized breasts. FML

by Anonymous / 01/02/2010 at 12:15am / United States (Wisconsin) / Health

Today, my email got hacked and sent all my contacts something for Viagra. My husband thinks I really sent it to him on purpose and now won't even talk to me. FML

by Username / 09/04/2010 at 9:24am / Love

Today, I went to visit my overly-posh mother for the first time in many years. Upon arrival, she kicked me out because my outfit did not follow the same color-scheme as her decor. FML

by wat / 09/20/2013 at 1:52am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was at my in-laws' house, and as I was walking to the living room I had my hands on the back of my hips supporting my back. My mother-in-law told me to stop because it makes me look pregnant. I'm 9 months pregnant. FML

by she knows / 10/08/2013 at 12:30pm / United States (Hawaii) / Miscellaneous

Today, at work, a midget came in to buy beer. Not only was he almost as tall as me, he got offended when I had to card him and explain that the manager told me to card everyone, and that it wasn't because he was short. FML

by mybad / 09/10/2014 at 11:57pm / United States / Work

Today, my boyfriend told me that my mom paid him to date me. FML

by koolkat9 / 12/22/2014 at 2:11pm / United States (Indiana) / Love

Today, I heard my mom moan in the other room. FML

by glittercat / 01/26/2009 at 6:44pm / United States (Missouri) / Miscellaneous

Today, I rented a car that has a smart key. The proximity of the key determines if the doors will unlock. I went to a meeting and returned to the car with the trunk popped open and all my luggage gone. The rental company decided to store a spare key in the glovebox for safe keeping. FML

by NoKeyNoCar / 08/13/2009 at 2:42am / United States (California) / Transportation

Today, I finally get to go home after a 16 day training event in Colorado. The plane has been sitting in the runway for over three hours due to lightning storms and we're not allowed to leave. We've spent more time on the ground waiting than the flight itself would take. FML

by Username / 05/27/2011 at 5:13pm / United States / Transportation