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Today, I've had no sleep. Why? Because my housemate has a new girlfriend and the walls are too thin. After round three of them shagging, I was exhausted from holding my breath each time the new girlfriend screamed. I also realised that was the closest I'd been to sex in months. FML

by Cate / 11/05/2009 at 5:25am / Australia (Victoria) / Intimacy

Today, my car got acquainted with about 3 dozen eggs. FML

by Anonymous / 10/06/2011 at 11:21pm / United States / Transportation

Today, I had to bury my horse again because coyotes keep digging it up. FML

by Anonymous / 03/06/2012 at 11:03pm / United States (Florida) / Animals

Today, my roommate came back from camping. My toothbrush magically reappeared as well. FML

by germophobe / 09/01/2014 at 9:53pm / Canada (Alberta) / Health

Today, it was my first day with new contacts, but I found out they make my eyes red and itchy. Today was also the day I had a very important meeting. They think I showed up stoned. FML

by Anonymous / 12/04/2009 at 12:36pm / United States (Arizona) / Miscellaneous

Today, my parents told me that they've been having a contest to see who could punish me the most this week. So far, my mom is in the lead by kicking me out of the car near railroad tracks, and making me walk the 4 miles home in the freezing rain. FML

by Grounded / 11/03/2011 at 5:18am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, a woman and her daughter came into the store I work at. The girl placed a pair of underpants on the counter, and confessed she had stolen them earlier. Assuming she had already heard a lecture, I simply thanked her for bringing them back. Her mom yelled at me for not yelling at her. FML

by disciplinaryaction / 11/21/2011 at 2:02am / United States (Connecticut) / Work

Today, my brother's girlfriend broke up with him. He has been playing Whitney Houston's "I will always love you" all day. FML

by annon / 02/11/2012 at 1:23am / Canada (British Columbia) / Love

Today, my five-year-old stepson announced that he is finally no longer scared of flushing toilets. Immediately after, I discovered that he's now decided that he's scared of the bathroom sink. FML

by TheMommas / 11/06/2013 at 11:33am / United States (Texas) / Kids

Today, while waiting to do a presentation in class I felt someone flick my back, but when I turned around no one was there. It wasn't until I got up in front of the whole class that I felt my bra slowly sliding down my body. Turns out that the "flick" I felt was actually my bra clasp busting open. FML

by thewordsicantsay / 02/25/2010 at 2:05am / Canada (Alberta) / Miscellaneous

Today, my boss stopped me mid-sentence, scowling and telling me to zip up my fly. It wouldn't have been so embarrassing if I hadn't been in the middle of giving a presentation to not only him, but his own boss and a company executive as well. FML

by Anonymous / 09/12/2015 at 2:42am / United States (California) / Work

Today, I was at my local McDonald's having a leak when an extremely intoxicated man stumbled in, pulled down his pants, and started to pee on my shoes. FML

by Anonymous / 10/22/2010 at 2:32pm / Norway (More og Romsdal) / Miscellaneous

Today, my apartment burned to the ground. I was packed and ready to move out tomorrow. FML

by Anonymous / 06/12/2011 at 2:37am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Miscellaneous