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Today, at work, I slipped and fell on my backside. The creepy security guard offered to 'kiss it better.' FML

by only 10 more hours to go / 01/06/2012 at 6:40am / United States / Intimacy

Today, I shared the story of my younger brother's unexpected death with a friend. After telling him the story, I looked at him with teary eyes and he looked back into my eyes and said "I understand how you feel. That is almost as bad as when I lost my cat last spring term." FML

by Beeh / 12/24/2009 at 12:31am / United States / Animals

Today, I went to the gynecologist. As she was checking me out, she said, "Wow. So you must get wet a lot." It took me several minutes to realize she was talking about my job bathing dogs. FML

by Anonymous / 06/20/2012 at 7:08pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Health

Today, I came home from the hospital diagnosed with high blood pressure. It's caused by stress. My wife had a very long talk with my son about it. All the kid has been doing for the past 2 hours is scream at his Playstation. I'd rather be at the hospital. FML

by Nick / 12/02/2012 at 11:03pm / United States (Nevada) / Kids

Today, I watched as the teenage neighbor girl tried to parallel-park between me and my wife's cars. She was doing pretty well until she backed into mine, got scared, hit the accelerator and ran into my wife's. FML

by carless / 10/29/2014 at 11:24am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I finally reached the point where it became necessary to give my boyfriend an ultimatum: either clip your toenails, or we aren't having sex. FML

by anon / 05/06/2015 at 8:50am / United States (Kansas) / Love

Today, my girlfriend dumped me because I didn't attend her dog's funeral, and was therefore an insensitive bastard. I couldn't attend because my mum has cancer and I was driving her to a hospital appointment. FML

by Anonymous / 12/19/2010 at 7:31pm / United Kingdom (Essex) / Love

Today, while walking on the sidewalk, someone hit me with their car. They yelled at me for being in their way. FML

by TheKunitzShow14 / 08/10/2011 at 3:22am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Transportation

Today, my roommate informed me that one of her scorpions is loose in our apartment again. Great. FML

by Username / 10/03/2011 at 1:58pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I offered an elderly man my seat on the train. He thanked me by winking and offering me a seat on his lap. FML

by Anonymous / 04/01/2012 at 9:53am / Australia (Western Australia) / Transportation

Today, I woke up from an explicit dream involving my dentist. I'm scheduled for a conscious sedation appointment with him in two hours and I'm terrified of what I might say or do while I'm under. FML

by ugh / 12/26/2012 at 9:05am / United States (Ohio) / Health

Today, in the middle of our one year anniversary dinner, my boyfriend's ex-girlfriend showed up declaring her love for him. They left together and I had to take the bus home. FML

by anonymoose / 05/29/2013 at 8:39pm / Australia (South Australia) / Love

Today, my roommate unexpectedly came home with a new puppy. I'm severely allergic to dogs. When I reminded her of this, she explained that the puppy was her family now and if I didn't like it I should move out because blood is thicker than water. My roommate is my sister. FML

by RoommateWanted / 09/10/2013 at 5:02pm / United Kingdom (Glasgow City) / Animals