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Today, it's my birthday. The only "happy birthday"s I got were from my mom, her Facebook account, and the Facebook account she made for her cat. FML

by carboncoach / 12/13/2013 at 12:24pm / Egypt / Miscellaneous

Today, I got a call at 4 in the morning from the security company, saying someone had broken into my workplace. I drove an hour out there, only to find out it was a rat that had set off the alarm. FML

by Anonymous / 12/22/2013 at 1:56am / Australia (Victoria) / Work

Today, I was sick and had soccer trials on the same day. At the soccer trials, the coach called me over and told me I was doing really good and to keep it up. I said thanks and vomited on him. FML

by jj / 11/07/2014 at 12:47am / Australia (New South Wales) / Health

Today, I was approached by a girl who called me a slut for sleeping with her boyfriend, then punched me in the face. I'm a virgin. FML

by well then... / 02/21/2009 at 6:37pm / United States (Illinois) / Love

Today, I got a birthday present from my boyfriend's mom. It was ProActiv acne solution. He tried to make me feel better by explaining it's because she wants to be able to include me in family pictures. FML

by Anonymous / 12/06/2009 at 5:13pm / United States (South Carolina) / Love

Today, I found out that my girlfriend got drunk and cheated on me. After I tried to talk to her about it, she dumped me. Not because she didn't like me anymore or that she liked the other guy, but because she felt "too guilty" and "wouldn't be able to look me in the eyes anymore." FML

by Dumped / 02/18/2010 at 3:58am / United States (California) / Love

Today, was my uncle's funeral. He was cremated, and his wish was to have his ashes spread into the sea. As we were waiting for the waves to come and take him away, a group of seagulls came by picking at all his ashes. I guess he tasted good. FML

by SeagullsShouldDie / 08/28/2010 at 2:07am / United States / Animals

Today, I was at Wal-Mart where all the aisles had been moved. An elderly woman asked me where the pet products were, so I told her that I didn't know, but showed her where they could be. An hour later, she came back with security. She'd told them I'd purposefully gotten her lost. They threw me out. FML

by Anonymous / 11/04/2010 at 8:00pm / United States (South Carolina) / Miscellaneous

Today, my wife announced that she wanted a divorce. She'd actually started dating another man a few months ago, but she wanted to drag our marriage out as long as possible just in case her new relationship fell through. FML

by mj / 06/05/2011 at 4:20pm / United States / Love

Today, after years of torment and relentless harassment, I finally built up the courage to stand up to a bully. I got a detention for swearing at him. FML

by damnedbydurberg / 11/21/2011 at 7:35pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, my girlfriend woefully admitted that she thinks of me more as a brother than as a boyfriend, all while I was still inside her. FML

by Anonymous / 01/27/2012 at 5:54pm / Intimacy

Today, my college did a fire drill, and instructions were given by intercom in English and Spanish. The guy beside me mused: "If they say it in English and Mexican, why not say it in Black too?" That guy is my idiot brother, and he was dead serious. Sometimes I think our parents are related. FML

by Anonymous / 09/12/2014 at 4:47pm / United States (California) / Work

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She said she wanted to accept, but that she'd basically have to get her mom's permission first. Apparently the answer was no. The worst thing is that she really is this unhealthily dependent on her mom, and probably wasn't lying about needing her permission. FML

by Anonymous / 05/22/2015 at 11:44pm / United States (California) / Love