Choose the period

Choose a category

Today, my wife screamed at me, calling me a "useless, ungrateful piece of crap", all because I wouldn't have sex with her, despite hours of her nagging. I said no because I've been laid-up in bed for the past week waiting on surgery for an excruciatingly painful hernia. FML

by B / 02/03/2012 at 8:17pm / United States / Intimacy

Today, as I was about to enter a public restroom, a man walked out and said, "You may want to hold your nose in there. I just took the biggest dump of my life." It was the ladies' restroom. FML

by Anonymous / 07/16/2013 at 12:41am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I felt pretty. As I deal with a severe anxiety and depression, I was proud of myself. All until a little girl asked: "Are you a boy or a girl?" FML

by hellpop / 05/24/2015 at 9:19am / United Kingdom (London, City of) / Kids

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, cops showed up at my house looking for an ex neighbor. It would be all cool if before knocking they didn't politely wait in front of my window listening me and my boyfriend having sex for half an hour. FML

by bonsai_girl / 05/31/2015 at 10:19am / Croatia (Splitsko-Dalmatinska) / Intimacy

Today, my boss brought us some small cakes from a recent trip to China. I opened mine and noticed a little foil packet wrapped with the cake, so I thought it was a powdered topping. I had a couple of bites before my coworker told me it was actually a desiccant to keep the cakes fresh. FML

by drymouth / 06/17/2016 at 7:51pm / United States (California) / Health

Today, I woke up with a bloody nose and my lamp next to me in bed. Apparently I grabbed the cord of the lamp and yanked while I was sleeping, and it fell on my face. The worst part? My boyfriend saw it was going to happen, but didn't stop me because he thought it would be funny to "see my reaction." FML

by oww / 11/15/2009 at 2:38pm / United States (Connecticut) / Miscellaneous

Today, when my mother-in-law told me I was losing weight, my husband started laughing. FML

by brittrod / 12/04/2011 at 8:13pm / United States / Love

Today, my neighbor knocked on my door to borrow my laundry room key. He was bare-ass naked. When I refused to open the door, he tried to break it down. I had to call the police before he would leave. FML

by kriseliz / 06/24/2013 at 12:09am / United States (Colorado) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my mom confessed to me that she used to pluck my step-dad's butt hair. I hope the brain-gods delete this obnoxious mental picture. FML

by mymomplucksbutthair / 06/25/2013 at 4:43pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I went directly from the shopping mall to the hospital. My sister had slammed my hand in the car door, all because I considered purchasing a dress that looked like something she might buy for herself. FML

by vicious_fashion / 08/12/2014 at 1:34am / United States (Idaho) / Health

Today, my Canadian friend is staying a few days at my parents' house. I drove him from the airport, only to find my idiot dad had decked the spare room out with maple syrup bottles. He keeps saying "eh" all the time and asked "What's he so upset aboot?" when my friend was offended. FML

by ehxtraordinarily pissed / 12/13/2014 at 1:36pm / United States (Oklahoma) / Miscellaneous

Today, I realized the annoying squealing I hear every night isn't my guinea pig. Apparently my brothers girlfriend makes that sound when they have sex. FML

by KTK / 02/17/2009 at 8:00pm / United States (Washington) / Intimacy

Today, my husband finally admitted to his mother he'd got married. No wonder she wasn't involved with the wedding. FML

by motherlessbride / 12/27/2010 at 1:23am / United States (Massachusetts) / Love