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Today, when I excitedly announced to my mother-in-law that I was pregnant, she looked at me with a blank expression and asked me who the father was. She's 45. She's not senile or suffering from dementia, but apparently just suffering from being a chronic bitch. FML

by littlelottie / 01/17/2012 at 12:04pm / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

Today, my girlfriend sent her new boyfriend over to my place to break up with me for her. FML

by Anonymous / 12/12/2013 at 4:53pm / New Zealand (Hawke's Bay) / Love

Today, my left-handed boss needed PC help. I said "right-click for the menu." She said nothing happened. Three times we went through this. Eventually I went over, asking her to show me what she did. She was using her right hand on the left mouse button. She earns £10,000 more than me. FML

by girlfriday / 06/11/2009 at 11:21am / United Kingdom (London) / Work

Today, my landlord asked to borrow my truck to move some furniture. When she returned it, I noticed she had filled the gas tank up. I thanked her for doing so, and she handed me the receipt and said "just add it to next month's rent". FML

by overdriven07 / 09/01/2009 at 11:07am / United States (Wisconsin) / Money

Today, I finally finished my art project which was worth 50% of my quarterly grade. I came in 1st period to give it to her. When she turned to look at it, her elbow hit her coffee and spilled it all over the canvas. I got 60%. She said I would have had a 100%, except for the giant coffee stain. FML

by Anonymous / 11/05/2009 at 5:14pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was at a Chinese buffet, and I got a fortune cookie. I opened it, and it said, "The love of your life is sitting across from you". The only thing across from me was an empty chair. FML

by Anonymous / 08/07/2012 at 4:13pm / Canada (Quebec) / Love

Today, while at a concert, I stepped into a restroom to use my nasal spray since my allergies were acting up. Apparently, someone thought that I had been snorting coke in the stall. I was escorted outside and had to wait for the cops until I could explain everything. I missed the headliner. FML

by Anonymous / 05/21/2013 at 7:42am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I found my elderly neighbour on all fours in my garden eating my flowers. FML

Today, my daughter managed to crash my car. It's okay though, the insurance will cover it. However, it won't cover all the items she damaged crashing into a garage sale. FML

by Idontknowwhattodo / 08/27/2013 at 6:17am / United States (California) / Kids

Today, I was driving my little sister to school. She really didn't wanna go and was throwing a tantrum in the car. When we stopped at a red light, my sister notices a police man giving a ticket to another driver. She rolled down her window and screamed "Help me! I'm being kidnapped by a murderer!" FML

by Amara1717 / 08/19/2009 at 12:22am / United States (Colorado) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went to visit my parents. Dad went on a religious tirade, and Mum got sick of him and pelted a Brazil nut at his head. Dad then lost his shit, and told Mum to go to her room and pray. I now remember why I moved out of home in the first place. FML

by Sigh / 09/13/2009 at 8:42am / Australia (Victoria) / Miscellaneous

Today, I had my wisdom teeth pulled. I woke up right as the dentist pulled my last tooth. FML

by Applejacks18 / 06/06/2013 at 1:01am / United States (Montana) / Health

Today, the family I live with decided that beer is a more important purchase than the things we need, such as detergent, soap, and toilet paper, just to name a few things. Apparently, paper towels should suffice. FML

by alyssuhh526 / 07/17/2013 at 5:51pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.