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Today, my girlfriend claimed she was a Viking because she's pale and has blond hair. She also warned me that if I piss her off she'll go 'berserk' on me. She demonstrated by smacking me in the nuts with a wooden spoon. FML

by jasmith / 11/18/2012 at 2:45am / United States (Texas) / Love

Today, as my kitten was sleeping on my lap, my boyfriend crept up on us and yelled, "BOO!" to make me jump. I wasn't scared, but the cat was. He tensed up and jumped to the floor. He also apparently had the runny shits, spraying me and the couch on his way down. FML

by nenette / 11/12/2014 at 5:50pm / France / Animals

Today, one of my friends pointed out I'm starting to get a mustache! - "You're finally a man!" To bad it's my 15th birthday, and I'm a girl. FML

by Anonymous / 02/05/2010 at 1:25am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend and I went on a 1 day cruise to the Bahamas. It happened to be on the same day of the worst sailing conditions. We spent 6 hours throwing up together. Him into the sink, and me into the toilet. We spent $200 to see the inside of our cabin's bathroom. FML

by SeaSick / 02/15/2010 at 12:03am / United States (Florida) / Holidays

Today, I met my boyfriend's very strict and traditional Korean parents. I had to listen to them while they called me a skank and how I was fat and ugly compared to nice, pretty, Korean girls. They don't know I speak Korean. FML

by Anonymous / 12/12/2010 at 10:03pm / Korea Republic of (Seoul-t'ukpyolsi) / Love

Today, my mom found my dad's hidden stash of cigarettes. He told her they were mine and now I have to spend two hours at therapy for my "smoking problem" every weekend. I've never smoked. FML

by Anonymous / 09/21/2013 at 12:07am / United States (Mississippi) / Health

Today, I had a family get-together for my birthday. I got to watch all my family members get piss-drunk and argue over who's having the worst time. FML

by Anonymous / 11/26/2013 at 11:43am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Miscellaneous

Today, I saw what my mom handed out for trick-or-treaters last night. Toothbrushes. Yup, we're that house. FML

by ThaBoss12 / 11/01/2014 at 6:22pm / United States (California) / Kids

Today, I was late for work, so I grabbed my handbag, my sports bag and ran out. The bus arrived at the stop just as I did, so I hopped on and sat down, trying to catch my breath. I dumped my bags onto my knees and looked down to see my cat, staring back at me from inside my sports bag. FML

by matou / 07/09/2015 at 4:41pm / France (Rhone-Alpes) / Transportation

Today, I leaned over my sleeping girlfriend, kissed her cheek and told her I love her. She punched me in the ear. FML

by Anonymous / 10/20/2015 at 5:44am / United States (Georgia) / Love

Today, I accidentally walked in on my dad as he was getting changed. Now I know genetics can be a real bitch. With such a massive difference in size, I have to question whether I'm even biologically related to this old three-legged git. FML

by Anonymous / 12/03/2015 at 9:02am / Intimacy

Today, my mum got drunk at a party and flashed me and my friends. FML

by Sundendako / 01/27/2010 at 5:20am / Australia (Victoria) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out that my mom screams like a dying monkey while having sex. Even with my music turned up all the way, I can still hear her through our paper thin walls. FML

by Anonymous / 02/06/2011 at 2:38pm / United States (Illinois) / Intimacy