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Today, my parents told me that I had been accepted into my top two colleges, but they didn't show me the letters because they were worried that if they spent money on tuition, they wouldn't be able to keep BOTH of their brand new Mercedes. FML

by jfanous / 09/01/2013 at 6:40am / United States (California) / Money

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I watched in horror as my dad picked up a dead centipede, placed it on his tongue, and then swallowed it. FML

by Anonymous / 09/26/2013 at 12:19pm / United States (Connecticut) / Miscellaneous

Today, while clearing stuff out of the basement, I found my ex-wife's old electronic diary device from the '90s. I found the charger, powered it up, and had soon read all about out she'd been cheating on me for almost half our marriage with the guy she's now married to. FML

by Anonymous / 12/07/2014 at 2:20pm / Ireland (Galway) / Love

Today, I decided to go all-natural and go to work without any makeup on. My boss swore I was on drugs, which I guess had absolutely nothing to do with the completely "random" drug test I had to take later in the day. FML

by vaylosa / 02/22/2015 at 3:36pm / Work

Today, I discovered that I have developed an allergy to salt water on my face. Now, every time I sweat or cry, I come up in a bright red rash. I am allergic to my own bodily fluids. FML

by Anonymous / 08/02/2009 at 8:45am / United Kingdom (London) / Health

Today, I went snowboarding and fell backwards, hitting my head on a patch of ice. When I got home, I told my brother I thought I might have a concussion. He told me I should be a man and suck it, swiftly smacking my head, causing me to pass out. FML

by milkndstufff / 03/06/2011 at 7:50pm / United States (New York) / Health

Today, after setting up surveillance in my front yard to see whose dog keeps crapping on my lawn, I finally caught the culprit on film. It was my heroin addict neighbour. FML

by Tom / 03/10/2011 at 6:09am / Animals

Today, my mom cooked her dog some potatoes, carrots, beef, rice and peas. She cooks better food for her dog than she will for our family. FML

by iGreen / 07/09/2011 at 10:34am / Canada (Ontario) / Animals

Today, my boyfriend was such a coward that instead of breaking up with me, he changed his phone number. FML

by Anonymous / 03/01/2012 at 12:35am / United States (California) / Love

Today, I took my binder on a short road trip two hours away from my home, so that I could study for my upcoming finals. When I got home, I realized I that had left my binder all the way there, containing my notes, classwork, homework, finals notes, etc. FML

by Anonymous / 05/12/2016 at 11:46pm / United States (Idaho) / Work

Today, my parents bought me a wine glass with "Who needs a man?" painted all over it. Cute, until after dinner my mom looked me in the eyes and asked with complete sincerity, "Kara, are you gay?" My parents tried to get me to come out. I'm straight. FML

by pa / 05/21/2009 at 9:06am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Miscellaneous

Today, I had six friends round for pizza. When I went to answer the door to the delivery, my friends turned off the lights and pretended they weren't there when I shouted for help carrying all the food. Not only does the cute delivery guy think I'm greedy, but also that I have imaginary friends. FML

by has-evil-friends / 11/26/2009 at 3:30pm / United Kingdom (Nottingham) / Miscellaneous

Today, while bagging my groceries at a store, a lady came over to me, took a good look at the food I'd bought, picked out an item and put it in her bag. When I confronted her, she called security on me and told them I wanted to steal her stuff. I got thrown out and she walked away with a smirk. FML

by what_the_hell / 06/20/2013 at 4:35am / Finland (Southern Finland) / Money