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Today, my mother informed me that we are no longer taking my graduation trip to New York. Instead, she and her group of continuously drunk friends are going to Vegas because, "We could win the jackpot and take you on an even bigger trip to New York!" She's never won anything in her whole life. FML

by zcollins / 09/10/2013 at 11:52am / United States (California) / Money

Today, while putting a water bottle into the fridge, I suddenly had to sneeze. The force of my sneezing propelled my head against the open fridge door, causing a gushing wound to my forehead. Bless me. FML

by Anonymous / 12/29/2014 at 2:11pm / United States (Oregon) / Health

Today, at Subway, the pretty girl serving made me so nervous by that I forgot what cucumbers were called. FML

by it's awkward / 08/11/2015 at 12:22pm / United States (California) / Transportation

Today, I found out less than 3 weeks before my wedding my fiancé will lose his new, great paying job unless we cancel our nonrefundable honeymoon. FML

by no luck / 09/30/2010 at 1:14pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Love

Today, at work, a customer went to try on a pair of pants. A few minutes later, she hurriedly returned and put the pants back on the shelf without saying anything. I later found out she'd come down with a bout of diarrhea and apparently didn't want to pay for the dry-cleaning. Glamorous. FML

by n77 / 04/22/2011 at 10:17pm / Switzerland (Vaud) / Health

Today, I opened my Father's Day present from my mother-in-law. It was a glamor shot of her. FML

by firethorn / 06/20/2011 at 1:57am / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, my sister-in-law pooped with the bathroom door open until my husband had to tell her to close it, then she came out with unwashed hands and started rooting through the cookies. This isn't even the most unhygienic thing she's done today. FML

by Anonymous / 09/07/2013 at 7:26am / United States (Massachusetts) / Miscellaneous

Today, my brother babysat for me. He invited his girlfriend around without me knowing, and they were all playing hide and seek together. While he and his girl were hiding, they decided to have a quickie. My three year old found them and saw everything. She won't stop copying their sex noises. FML

by wtf bro / 05/20/2015 at 4:45am / Australia (Australian Capital Territory) / Intimacy

Today, I sat in my hotel room bathroom in dead silence for 30 minutes while I waited for the cleaning staff to stop watching TV and drinking beer from the minibar, so that I could finish using the toilet. FML

by mn051299 / 02/10/2016 at 4:09am / Switzerland (Schwyz) / Miscellaneous

Today, I walked downstairs in a new outfit, after dieting for 3 months, and losing just over 20 pounds. My mom took one look at me and said "You'd better keep going." FML

by Noname / 02/25/2009 at 5:06pm / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous

Today, my fiancé broke off our engagement after he saw one of my baby pictures. He said our future kids just wouldn't look right. FML

by K3you / 07/04/2011 at 7:42pm / United States (Florida) / Kids

Today, I went on a date with the world's biggest lightweight. She got blind drunk on wine before dessert, and slurred, "You look like... like a black... blueberry." Amused, I said, "You mean a blackberry?" She stared at me for several long seconds, confused, then passed out. Check please. FML

by wowzer / 08/28/2014 at 3:58pm / Puerto Rico / Love

Today, I tasted a perfectly salted, crispy, and dead carpenter ant hidden in my bag of pistachios. FML

by ReluctantAntEater / 08/21/2014 at 5:48pm / Canada (Ontario) / Animals