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Today, I went into my older brother's room to get a condom. This happened the other day too when my boyfriend forgot one. So I went in there today and there was a note that said "Little Sister, stop using my condoms. And your boyfriend sounds like a girl when he climaxes." FML

by Stacy / 03/20/2009 at 8:43pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Intimacy

Today, I had a rude awakening after a traffic accident the day before. I'd fled the scene to avoid having to pay hefty damage fines. I would have gotten away with it too, if my license plate hadn't fallen off and incriminated me. FML

by calidumbass / 01/14/2011 at 2:43pm / United States / Money

Today, I have a cold. Trying to clear out my stuffy nose, I tried putting mouthwash in my nose. Thinking it was an awesome idea, I put some more in. I then starting screaming in pain due to the extreme burning in my nostrils. FML

by Fmylife / 07/06/2011 at 5:17am / United States (Washington) / Health

Today, I had an argument with my wife. I told her to get back in the kitchen. How does she respond? By doing what I told her to do, and returning to hit me with a frying pan. FML

by PanFace / 10/13/2009 at 2:54am / Australia (New South Wales) / Love

Today, for April fools I decided to set off the smoke detectors in my friend's apartment while he was sleeping and saran wrap the outside of his bedroom doorway so he would smack into it. Instead, he jumped out the window and broke his leg. FML

by nic / 04/01/2009 at 4:06pm / United States (Virginia) / Health

Today, I finally had my tongue piercing heal up so I decided to try oral on my girl. Unfortunately, she has a hood piercing that got caught on my tongue ring, and neither of us could get them apart. We had to call my mom in to solve the problem. FML

by Truan / 03/25/2009 at 5:04pm / United States (California) / Intimacy

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I was dressing in my apartment when I noticed I left the blinds open. Outside, a maintenance man was mowing the grass within eyeshot. I figured I'd leave the blinds open and give him a little peek of the goods. Later I found a note on my window saying, 'Next time, close the blinds'. FML

by Anonymous / 04/16/2009 at 2:42pm / United States (Louisiana) / Intimacy

Today, my teacher was giving a lecture about human genetics and how they are passed on to children. She projected a large picture of a baby on to the screen in the front of the room. I then joked about how this ugly baby must have some very unattractive parents. It was her baby. FML

by biggmouth / 03/26/2009 at 6:44pm / United States (New Hampshire) / Miscellaneous

Today, I had to lie to my dentist about how often I brush my teeth. I honestly don't remember the last time I did. FML

by mintyfresh / 10/28/2009 at 10:54pm / United States (California) / Health

Today, I saw myself in a 'girls gone wild' ad with another girl. So did my mom. FML

by Anonymous / 06/18/2009 at 3:17am / United States (Connecticut) / Intimacy

Today, I decided I would eat healthy in order to lose weight. Feeling powerful, I threw away all of the icecream in my freezer. An hour later, I picked the icecream carton out of the garbage and ate the entire half-melted carton. FML

by Anonymous / 05/09/2009 at 10:48am / United States (Illinois) / Health

Today, I got to drive my mom's car. I'd recently watched the new Fast and Furious movie, I thought it'd be fun to drift around a few corners. I ended up smashing straight into someone's front yard. FML

by Anonymous / 06/07/2013 at 6:00pm / United States / Transportation

Today, I decided to see if electric dog collars work on human necks. They do. FML

by zappy / 10/11/2009 at 12:40am / United States (New York) / Health