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Friday 30 September 2016

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Today, it's my last day at my job because I'm moving to another city. My boss handed me a card and chocolates. The same boss that didn't sign the card because, "Even though you're a great employee, I probably won't remember your name in a fortnight." I've been there three years. FML

by Bawsack / 09/26/2016 at 6:10am / United Kingdom (Edinburgh, City of) / Work

Today, I was travelling. At airport security, the woman patting me down felt something "down there" and asked me what I was wearing. I told her it was a sanitary napkin. She put her hands inside my pants just to be sure. FML

by sufia / 09/29/2016 at 7:14am / Pakistan / Transportation

Today, I got pulled over, not because I was speeding but because apparently, I looked like a kid driving. The officer said I was too short to drive and needed a booster seat. FML

by ashleighsheba / 09/27/2016 at 12:43pm / United States (Tennessee) / Love

Today, two months into my new marketing job, I presented my first webinar live to over 300 people. Half the audience complained about the horrible sound quality, saying all they could hear was a Mickey Mouse squeaky sound. Turns out it wasn't the sound quality, it was my voice. FML

by Anonymous / 09/27/2016 at 5:29pm / United States (California) / Work

Today, I finally had the chance to have sex with my crush. Too bad I couldn't get an erection. FML

by mavrick127 / 09/29/2016 at 10:21am / United States (Georgia) / Intimacy

Today, I e-mailed an employer to ask about a job I had applied for earlier. The employer in question was on vacation. The person who replied had the position which I had applied for mentioned in their signature. FML

by Farah / 09/26/2016 at 10:42am / Bangladesh / Work

Today, I secured a tender for my boss, earning her 1/4 million in profits. Today is also meant to be pay-day for us, but my boss is too busy dealing with the tender to pay her employees. So essentially, I made my boss rich while remaining broke and in debt. FML

by SoDamnBroke / 09/28/2016 at 9:13am / South Africa / Money

Today, I have a speech impediment that's recently become more noticeable. My entire family has decided that the best way to go about handling it is to mock me whenever I try to say something. FML

by christacat / 09/28/2016 at 6:24am / United States (Ohio) / Health

Today, I was texting my boyfriend and things were getting a little steamy. He said, "I really want you right now." So, of course, I told him to come over. To which he replied, "Nah." FML

by DreeStahr / 09/30/2016 at 12:05am / United States (Missouri) / Intimacy

Today, I spent about 45 minutes attaching brackets and weatherproof lights to the umbrella in my patio set. It looked great, and I was excited to finally sit out under them at night - until the umbrella shifted and fell over, shattering the glass table top. FML

by baldiesmom / 09/29/2016 at 3:07pm / United States (Missouri) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I found out my brand new $3,000 mattress that is supposed to relieve my back pain works amazingly. I only discovered this because my wife, son, daughter, dog, and two cats are all asleep on it and not waking up. FML

by Anonymous / 09/30/2016 at 1:53am / United States (Texas) / Health

Today, I got diagnosed with Lyme disease. My whole family thought it would be hilarious to call it, "Lame disease. FML

by Lamediseased / 09/29/2016 at 11:07am / Mexico (Distrito Federal) / Health

Today, I found out my father has been saving money to help me buy my first car. In the same conversation, I found out my mother, unbeknownst to my dad, used nearly all of the money to bail my drunken, deadbeat uncle out of jail for the 4th time a month ago. He is now back in prison. FML

by fox_at_heart / 09/29/2016 at 10:21pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Money