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Sunday 2 March 2014

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Today, I achieved a personal goal by completing a half-marathon for charity, despite being overweight and unfit before training. When I finished I cried, not because I was proud of myself, but because I ran the last 2 miles while being followed by kids on bicycles calling me a "fat cunt". FML

by rolypoly / 03/05/2014 at 7:33am / United Kingdom / Health

Today, I went on a date with a girl my friend set me up with. I thought we got along great, until after dessert, when I asked if she'd be interested in doing this again. She just said, "Nahhh" then got up and casually left, stiffing me on the bill. FML

by Anonymous / 03/01/2014 at 1:46pm / United States (California) / Money

Today, my girlfriend dumped me. This poses a problem, because her mother is my boss, and we work in an office on the first story of their apartment. Tomorrow I have to decide whether to quit my awesome and only job, or go to work for my now ex's mother in their house. FML

by M.A. / 02/25/2014 at 12:22am / United States (Arizona) / Love

Today, after waking up, I walk into the kitchen to see my two-year-old with a blue sharpie in hand as he says, "Look mom, color!" He left no appliance or cabinet untouched in his coloring masterpiece, and I'm still trying to figure out where he got the sharpie from. FML

by xtinasky1 / 03/06/2014 at 11:24pm / United States (Washington) / Kids

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I was told I pull the "whole grunge look" off quite well. I don't dress "grunge", nor was that my intention. FML

by ashleylynn17 / 02/25/2014 at 4:59pm / Miscellaneous

Today, my hippy nutjob of a roommate threw a bitch fit at me, all because he saw me chopping down a tree in Minecraft. FML

by fuck off, eh! / 03/07/2014 at 4:25pm / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous

Today, on Facebook, someone wrote a status implying that she was going to kill herself. I called a mutual friend, asking to check up on her. The next status the girl puts up said, "Someone thought I was going to commit suicide! Haha what a loser!" FML

by Anonymous / 02/26/2014 at 4:31am / United States (Nevada) / Miscellaneous

Today, my students presented their projects on genetics to the rest of the class. One student told the class that salted and unsalted peanuts were an example of genetic variation. She was serious. FML

by Biologyfacepalm / 03/03/2014 at 2:58pm / United States / Work

Today, my cat pissed all over my work clothes. They weren't even on the floor, she knocked the hanger down just so she could use them as a toilet. FML

by baxeh / 02/27/2014 at 5:42pm / Sweden (Stockholms Lan) / Animals

Today, after nearly a month, I found out my wife isn't pregnant after all. She was just screwing around to win a bet with her friends on how long it'd take me to figure out the truth. FML

by Anonymous / 03/04/2014 at 4:06pm / Norway (Akershus) / Love

Today, as I tried to get out of bed, I got my foot tangled in my sheets. I reached out to my dresser to avoid falling flat on my face. I didn't fall, but I did manage to smash my fingers in the drawer while still trapped in the sheets. FML

by IVOaf / 02/26/2014 at 3:55pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, my fiancé and I told my future mother-in-law that we are expecting. Her response was, "Why are you doing this to me?" FML

by dyingangel246 / 03/05/2014 at 5:15am / United States (Ohio) / Miscellaneous

Today, my mother decided to tell me about how my twin brother almost killed me in the womb when his cord wrapped around my neck. When she left the room, he said, "You won't be so lucky next time." FML

by Anonymous / 03/08/2014 at 6:13pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous