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Sunday 23 February 2014

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Today, I learned that I'm the only person in my family that our new cat likes. She sleeps on my bed and always sits in my lap and despises everyone else. I'm allergic to cats. FML

by Good choice cat / 02/24/2014 at 2:05pm / United States (California) / Animals

Today, I called a company for a problem with our septic tank. Two workers show up, I take them into the garden to show them the manhole cover at the top of it. They open it up. We then gaze upon a sea of condoms floating on the surface. My wife and I don't use condoms. FML

by Maxime / 02/27/2014 at 7:32pm / Love

Today, I was at work at the airport. I got called up to a plane's cargo hold, and thought I'd finally learn how to use the loader. Turns out they just needed me to weigh something down, effectively making me ballast. Then my boss told me to get the hell off, after which I hit my head hard climbing out. FML

by Anonymous / 02/17/2014 at 12:36pm / United States / Work

Today, I walked into my apartment and smelled something extremely repugnant. I asked my roommate what had happened and she said, "I didn't know how else to kill it!" She'd trapped a bat that was in our apartment, put it in the oven, and set it to 400 degrees. FML

by BakedBat / 02/20/2014 at 11:10pm / United States (Minnesota) / Miscellaneous

Today, feeling magnanimous, I decided to help a frail-looking old lady across a busy street. She managed to "accidentally" hit me in the balls with her cane no fewer than three times before we reached the other side. FML

by undineA / 02/18/2014 at 3:16pm / Greece (Thessaloniki) / Miscellaneous

Today, I set up a small social gathering for a few friends. One of them didn't have a ride, so the others, who'd already shown up, went to go give him a ride. After no sign of them for a whole hour, I called to see what was wrong. They went out to eat and completely forgot about me. FML

by Anonymous / 03/02/2014 at 12:03am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, my brother and I took our cars to get oil changes. While we were there, a guy asked if we were dating. When we told him we were siblings, he responded with, "So?" FML

Today, I was walking home, when a car heading the other way hit a traffic cone. I must have been an asshole in a previous life, because the universe decided to make sure the cone flew into the side of my head. The bystanders were shocked for all of two seconds before laughing. FML

by Anonymous / 02/22/2014 at 4:02pm / United States (California) / Health

Today, a customer at work pronounced the word "Asian" as "Ah-See-Awn" when ordering a salad. I wasn't allowed to say anything. FML

by PaneraSucks / 02/19/2014 at 1:24am / United States (New Hampshire) / Work

Today, I had to give a sexual harassment seminar to my department. Someone put in a complaint that my example made them feel uncomfortable. FML

by Anonymous / 02/26/2014 at 4:44pm / Canada (Alberta) / Work

Today, my cat decided that instead of using the brand-new scratching post I bought him, he was going to use my pant leg while I was asleep. FML

by tornkhakis / 02/24/2014 at 2:20am / United States (Indiana) / Animals

Today, I was back home from work drinking coffee when I heard someone open the door with a key. It was my boyfriend, who obviously didn't expect to see me home. We don't live together, and I never gave him a key. FML

by Anonymous / 02/21/2014 at 4:59am / Russian Federation (Lipetsk) / Love

Today, my mom told me all about how I was conceived in a Disney Land toilet. FML

by Anonymous / 02/24/2014 at 11:52am / United Kingdom (Dudley) / Love