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Sunday 16 February 2014

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Today, I was throwing rocks into a pond while our class was on a field trip. The teacher started to pass around an old rare civil war bullet. As the bullet got to me, I threw another rock in the river, only to notice a rock in my hand and the bullet gone. FML

by Anonymous / 02/16/2014 at 9:29pm / United States (West Virginia) / Miscellaneous

Today, I walked into my house with a couple of friends and I saw my girlfriend doing laundry. I jokingly asked her if she had time to do a load of mine as well. She scoffed and said, "Yeah babe, I'll gladly do your laundry... The same day you learn to wipe properly." FML

by Anonymous / 02/13/2014 at 7:43am / Love

Today, trying to be a responsible parent, I bought my daughter a pack of condoms in case she ever decided to have sex. She turned them into balloon animals and went back to playing video games. FML

by Anonymous / 02/13/2014 at 10:47am / United States (Missouri) / Kids

Today, I saw a photo on my mother-in-law's Facebook, proudly showing off the horrible job she'd done of painting her car. I sarcastically commented that I wouldn't inflict that on my worst enemy's ride. An hour later, she came by and emptied a bucket of paint over my windshield. FML

by time to lawyer up / 02/20/2014 at 4:20pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went to pick up my goddaughter while her mother went to work. She was being fussy, and I was surprised when she was quiet in the car; I just figured she'd fallen asleep. I got to my house and realized I'd never put her in my car, she was still sitting in my friend's driveway. FML

by lyss / 02/16/2014 at 5:44pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Kids

Today, while waiting in line at a store, a toddler behind me was throwing a major meltdown while his father yelled at him, giving me a migraine. I turned to the woman behind me and said, "Can you believe this kid? I feel sorry for his mother." Turns out the woman was his mother. FML

by Anonymous / 02/18/2014 at 11:31am / United States / Kids

Today, I was singing while driving through the car park. I blacked out trying to hit a high note, and ended up bashing into another car. FML

by Anonymous / 02/17/2014 at 12:43pm / United States (Illinois) / Money

Today, I was feeling really good about myself for running and walking everywhere so much so that I was out of breath and panting. Well, until I remembered that I was playing a video game and it was my character that was doing the running around that is. FML

by Tomb Raider Wannabe / 02/17/2014 at 8:57pm / Australia (New South Wales) / Health

Today, I have Hello Kitty band-aids on my nips because I dozed off while tanning and burned them extra crispy. FML

by extra crispy or original recipe / 02/16/2014 at 5:23pm / United States (Texas) / Health

Today, I got into a slight spot of shit with my new boss over his speech. Apparently he was not actually impersonating Sylvester the Cat, and he just has a speech impediment. When I jokingly said "sufferin' succotash" to him, he wasn't pleased at all. FML

by Anonymous / 02/10/2014 at 5:37pm / United Kingdom / Work

Today, I've been forced to start packing to go on a vacation with my parents, because they say I've been studying too hard and need a break. I've hardly studied at all and was planning on making up for it all in the time I had left before finals. I'm screwed. FML

by goodbye cruel world / 02/23/2014 at 2:00pm / United States (North Carolina) / Miscellaneous

Today, while walking barefoot through my house, I saw something shine on the floor across the hallway. Curious as to what it was, I rubbed my foot across the carpet to feel it. It wasn't until it was deeply lodged in my foot did I realize it was an open safety pin. FML

by owmyfoot / 02/23/2014 at 9:22pm / United States (California) / Health

Today, I watched the Sochi Winter Games online. Excited by an athlete's victory, I yelled out, "YEAH!" to 20-or-so silent coworkers. As if to redeem myself, I then said, "Don't pretend like you're all working you lot!" Our boss was right behind me. FML

by Anonyme / 02/12/2014 at 4:47am / Work