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Wednesday 4 September 2013

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Today, for the third time since breakfast, I accidentally walked in on my father wanking. FML

by jesus christ, dad / 09/06/2013 at 12:48pm / United Kingdom (Manchester) / Intimacy

Today, I was asked to dumb myself down so the people I was training could comprehend what I was saying. FML

by Retarded / 09/05/2013 at 2:57am / United States (Florida) / Work

Today, my pregnant wife was crying, so I let her sit on my lap so I could comfort her. She quickly started laughing in embarrassment as she peed on my leg. FML

by anonymous / 09/09/2013 at 4:16pm / United States (Texas) / Intimacy

Today, I found out that my obese son, who is on a health-mandated diet and exercise plan, gorges on junk food whenever he has the chance. His logic? "It won't make you fatter if you crap it out." FML

by Anonymous / 09/02/2013 at 12:16am / United States (Nevada) / Health

Today, my boyfriend blamed me for his affair, because apparently I "should have made it clear to him" not to have sex with other people. FML

by yourfault / 09/02/2013 at 11:10am / United Kingdom (Kingston upon Thames) / Intimacy

Today, I had a dream in which I was playing tennis. As I hit a powerful serve, I suddenly woke up due to having slapped myself in the face. FML

by Grand Slam / 09/10/2013 at 2:44pm / Belgium (Vlaams-Brabant) / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend admitted to me that the reason he won't have sex with me is because "condoms are too expensive." FML

by Anonymous / 09/02/2013 at 1:03pm / United States (Texas) / Intimacy

Today, my boyfriend got offered a job at Abercrombie. The first thing he asked was "they only hire hot people, right?!" Now he won't stop telling me how lucky I am to be with such a hot guy. FML

Today, in order to try and get over my slight fear of swans, I went down to the local park to feed them. One decided that I looked tastier than the bread I was throwing and chased me around the feeding area while everybody laughed. FML

by Evil_Angel_90 / 09/10/2013 at 7:36am / Australia / Animals

Today, I was telling my brother about how my new colleagues and I don't share a sense of humour. He replied, "What, you mean they don't pretend to laugh at your jokes like everybody else?" FML

by laughing-stock / 09/02/2013 at 5:40pm / United Kingdom (Swindon) / Work

Today, my boyfriend found out it makes a funny fart sound when he blows hard into my mouth in the middle of making out. I can't get him to stop doing it every time we kiss. FML

by merpaderp14 / 09/09/2013 at 2:15am / Canada / Intimacy

Today, my mom bumped into a table with a glass vase on it. Seeing that the vase was about to fall, I lunged to catch it. Before I got there, the vase fell and shattered, resulting in me diving into the broken shards. FML

by Anonymous / 09/09/2013 at 1:44pm / United States (Georgia) / Miscellaneous

Today, after growing my hair out for over a year and constantly being told that it makes me look like a girl, I finally cut it. The first thing my friends said when they saw me was that I now look like a "lesbian." FML

by jessel_ladd92 / 09/09/2013 at 2:42am / United States / Miscellaneous