Choose the period

Thursday 4 July 2013

Choose a category

Today, my manager made me remove an Eiffel Tower ornament from one of my displays. Not because it didn't look good or match the theme, but because it was "disrespectful" to have it out on the 4th of July. FML

by unpatriotic / 07/04/2013 at 9:13am / United States (Oregon) / Work

Today, my boyfriend and I went to my parents' barbecue. He knew my family is extremely religious, so what did he do? Called for silence to make an announcement, namely: "God isn't real." Cue a riot that ended in us being kicked out and me all but disowned for "putting him up to it". FML

by he's a dawk, and a cunt / 07/05/2013 at 6:29pm / Australia (New South Wales) / Miscellaneous

Today, during a firework show, my dog gave me her opinion about them by practically eating half my bedroom door then defecating on my bed. FML

by damn dog / 07/05/2013 at 1:43am / United States / Animals

Today, I was telling my girlfriend about how my parents are flying out to Japan today on vacation. She was shocked at how short the flight will be, because "It's on the other side of the world." We live in the USA, and it seems I'm dating a Flat Earther. FML

by Anonymous / 07/05/2013 at 7:34pm / United States (Texas) / Holidays

Today, as part of my veterinary degree, I had to demonstrate how to jerk off a dog in front of my entire class. Afterwards, the lecturer said that I have the 'magic touch'. FML

by vet1 / 07/11/2013 at 11:18am / South Africa (Gauteng) / Work

Today, while at the doctor's, a week overdue with my first child, I was told that sex and orgasms can sometimes help to induce labor. On the way home, my boyfriend asked for road head, arguing that "She said that stuff about orgasms." Not you, honey. FML

by realitybites / 07/08/2013 at 1:03pm / United States (New York) / Intimacy

Today, I found out that I'd been wrong to constantly accuse next door's cat of peeing on my car every night. It was actually my 16-year-old son. FML

by thecathater / 07/09/2013 at 9:35am / Australia (Queensland) / Kids

Today, I got mauled by some wild animals and had to get my butt cheek stitched up. The embarrassment doesn't end there though; the animals in question were kittens. The nurses on duty laughed and the entire ward found out. FML

by richardmrcs / 07/08/2013 at 4:00pm / United Kingdom (Bradford) / Animals

Today, my daughter asked me to get her razors. When my 19-year-old son saw them he asked what they were for, to which my daughter replied, "For my armpits." My son then said, "Girls don't grow armpit hair." FML

by Anonymous / 07/05/2013 at 12:59am / Canada (Ontario) / Kids

Today, while out for lunch, a guy approached me and asked for my number. I politely declined. To my dismay, he dropped to his knees, grabbed his head, and started moaning about how nobody ever gives him a chance. I felt the accusing stares. FML

by Anonymous / 07/06/2013 at 7:26am / United States / Love

Today, after I got turned down for yet another job, my dad glanced up at me and casually remarked that porn is always a stable market. FML

by fucked up dad / 07/11/2013 at 3:50pm / Romania (Bucuresti) / Intimacy

Today, I arrived in Germany for a summer-long stay. The family I'm supposed to stay with had said they spoke fluent English. They don't. I don't speak German. It's going to be a quiet two months. FML

by traveling / 07/09/2013 at 7:18am / Holidays

Today, I saw my girlfriend for the first time in weeks. She had a hickey. FML

by Anonymous / 07/01/2013 at 2:03pm / United States (New York) / Love