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Friday 14 June 2013

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Today, I returned home from a month long trip overseas to find that my bird sitter has trained my parrot to whisper, "You're going to die" in a sinister voice. FML

by Anonymous / 06/17/2013 at 4:07pm / United States / Holidays

Today, I heard my roommate moaning my name in the shower. FML

by idontwanttoknow / 06/16/2013 at 7:37am / United States / Intimacy

Today, I learned that the money I work hard for on YouTube has been transferred to the wrong person's banking account. That person is my ex-girlfriend. FML

by Broccolliboyy / 06/18/2013 at 2:35am / United States (Wisconsin) / Money

Today, I decided to try wearing eyeshadow, even though I'm not that girly. When I asked for help after several failed attempts, my sister walked in and said, "It's easy, just do what I do." She put the makeup on herself and looked amazing. She's eight. FML

by Anonymous / 06/11/2013 at 12:11pm / United States (Illinois) / Kids

Today, I walked into the living room, only to find my brother wanking off to an episode of My Little Pony. FML

by bestiality, not even once / 06/14/2013 at 6:29pm / Ireland (Waterford) / Intimacy

Today, I started playing softball again in a league after not playing for about 5 years. My very first time at the bat I whacked a foul ball into the parking lot and hit my own car. FML

by Dingbat / 06/13/2013 at 7:59pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Miscellaneous

Today, I woke up at 5:30 and made the half hour drive to work only to find out that it was my day off. After finally getting back home and into bed, my boss called, requesting that I come back to work since I was "already up". FML

by Shitty Boss Shitty Job / 06/15/2013 at 1:41am / United States (Iowa) / Work

Today, my boyfriend and I talked about our past relationships. He said he broke up with his last girlfriend because she was "too smart" for him, and that he felt better being with someone who "doesn't have too many lights on upstairs, if you know what I mean." FML

by ... / 06/16/2013 at 4:57pm / South Africa (Eastern Cape) / Love

Today, I ran the mile in gym class. I was the second to last person to finish, and I was left panting and feeling faint. When the teacher found out I hadn't come in dead last, he accused me of skipping a lap and is now making me rerun the entire thing. FML

by Anonymous / 06/12/2013 at 10:56am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend dumped me, accusing me of lying to him about "being a hermaphrodite". His almost total lack of knowledge about female anatomy led him to believe that my clitoris is actually an extremely tiny penis. FML

by Hannah / 06/13/2013 at 12:19pm / Australia (Victoria) / Intimacy

Today, I was in the bathroom at work when I ran out of toilet paper. There was another guy in the restroom so I asked him if he could hand me a roll. He laughed, called me a dumbass, turned off the lights and walked out. FML

by Anonymous / 06/10/2013 at 11:55am / United States (California) / Work

Today, while having sex with my husband, he accidentally elbowed me in the face. I don't know which is worse: that he didn't stop to see if I was OK, or that it seemed to turn him on and he climaxed immediately after he'd hit me. FML

by naughtymommy0317 / 06/20/2013 at 4:47am / United States / Intimacy

Today, in class, we were discussing stereotypes. We were asked about common ones about nearby cities. A guy said, "Well, they say Lumberton has the prettiest girls." My teacher asked if any of us were from Lumberton, so I raised my hand. The guy quickly said, "Nevermind." FML

by wellthanks / 06/10/2013 at 1:04pm / United States / Miscellaneous