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Sunday 19 May 2013

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Today, my girlfriend decided to wake me up from a nap by kissing me. I started kissing her back passionately, when she slapped me. Apparently, kissing her back automatically without "confirming her identity" counts as cheating. FML

by Anonymous / 05/26/2013 at 8:21pm / United States (Illinois) / Love

Today, the communications expert I'm forced to work with added the line "as they can catch bigger fishes" to a film script. She does not believe me when I tell her that the plural of fish is "fish." This idiot not only has the final word, she makes twice what I do. FML

by onefishtwofishes / 05/23/2013 at 4:15pm / United States (District of Columbia) / Work

Today, a friend was put on suicide watch when her parents wouldn't pay $500 for a premium senior picture package. FML

by AwkwardHaole808 / 05/22/2013 at 6:52pm / United States (Hawaii) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I was torn from my car and slammed against the hood because a canister of window-cleaning wipes I keep in my glove compartment apparently looks vaguely like a pipe-bomb. My lawyer agreed with the cops, and won't handle the "excessive force" case I threatened the police with. FML

by JDziewaltowski / 05/24/2013 at 3:42am / United States / Transportation

Today, at work, my boss made me go outside and wash people's cars for free. I work at Verizon. FML

by Anonymous / 05/21/2013 at 2:31am / United States (Indiana) / Work

Today, I went to the dentist to get a tooth filled. The nurse just finished taking my info when the doctor came in and started drilling. Through my chorus of screams he realized he'd forgotten to numb me. His only response was, "Guess I forgot to numb ya, huh?" while giggling. FML

by toothache / 05/14/2013 at 8:03am / United States (Illinois) / Health

Today, I woke up to my friend stroking my face with the bottom of his foot and whispering, "Shh, you're okay." FML

by Anonymous / 05/13/2013 at 6:05pm / United States (Hawaii) / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend yelled at me. Apparently I'm not the "classy girl" he thought I was, and he's not comfortable "doing such vile things in public." I had tried to hold his hand. FML

by Anonymous / 05/15/2013 at 2:43am / United States / Love

Today, I got my nails, hair, and makeup professionally done for prom. My dad got his camera out, and I presumed he was taking pictures of my date and me. When I looked at the pictures later, they were all of the dog. FML

by rach / 05/19/2013 at 6:33pm / United States (Washington) / Animals

Today, my roommate decided to splash out on a prostitute. When my expensive watch and the contents of my wallet turned up missing in the aftermath, his only comment was, "Shit happens, bro." FML

by eric4 / 05/23/2013 at 4:11pm / United Kingdom (Gloucestershire) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out where the mysterious bites on my back keep coming from. It's not every day you find an earwig in your loofah. FML

by ewwww / 05/26/2013 at 1:55pm / United States (Illinois) / Health

Today, one of my closest friends informed me that she wasn't going to invite me to her wedding, because I'm too shy and not enough fun, and she doesn't want her 200 or so guests to feel uncomfortable. I was the one who set the happy couple up. FML

by Anonymous / 05/23/2013 at 9:45am / Australia (Queensland) / Miscellaneous

Today, I received a notice that if I don't move the abandoned vehicle from outside my house it will be repossessed at my expense. My car isn't abandoned. FML

by CrappyCar / 05/14/2013 at 1:29am / United States / Transportation