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Friday 10 May 2013

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Today, I was feeling down about being the only single person out of a group of eight friends. Out of desperation, I made up "Jonny", a hot fitness instructor whom I recently hooked up with. Now "Jonny" and I have been invited to a friends' night out. FML

by forever alone / 05/12/2013 at 5:09pm / United Kingdom / Love

Today, I decided I would try this feature on my banking app which lets me deposit checks by sending a picture of it. The instructions say to rip the check after depositing. The deposit didn't work and now I've got a ripped up paycheck. FML

by Checkless chick / 05/08/2013 at 6:21pm / United States / Money

Today, I tried to "trip" and fall into this guy I've had a crush on. I missed and fell on my face. He stepped over me and kept walking. FML

by clumsy / 05/06/2013 at 8:45pm / United States (Tennessee) / Miscellaneous

Today, I tried lying to my parents for the first time. My mother is a neuroscientist and my father is a psychologist. Somehow, they managed to make me admit that I was lying before I'd even finished. FML

by blondie107 / 05/06/2013 at 8:52pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I finally convinced my mom to read Fight Club. As English isn't her first language, she occasionally asked me to translate some of the words. Her latest question: "What's a dildo?" FML

by joeidk / 05/11/2013 at 8:07pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, I got a tattoo of the snake and staff medical symbol on my wrist. Now everyone keeps asking what illness I have; they think it's a medical bracelet substitute. FML

by Calaraphea / 05/16/2013 at 11:01am / United Kingdom (Warrington) / Miscellaneous

Today, my girlfriend found a letter I'd written to myself for moral support while we were broken up, in which I explained why we would never work out. Apparently I made a convincing argument. FML

by Alone / 05/06/2013 at 10:24am / United States (North Carolina) / Love

Today, I woke up to my dad emptying a water bottle on my head, because I needed to "get up for school" or I'd be late. FML

by Anonymous / 05/14/2013 at 7:13am / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

Today, I visited my grandparents at their farm. When I went to pee in the outhouse, I noticed a round thing in the middle of the hole, so I peed on it. It was a beehive. FML

by random / 05/13/2013 at 11:06am / United States / Animals

Today, my doorknob broke. While trying to impress my dad and show that I can fix things for girls, I somehow managed to lock myself in my room, with the doorknob on the other side of the door. When my dad finally heard my screams, he let me out. He had to take the whole door off. FML

by Anonymous / 05/14/2013 at 1:03pm / United States (Oklahoma) / Miscellaneous

Today, I asked my father if he was proud that I have never done drugs, never drank alcohol, never had sex, never had psychological problems, never been to the hospital for something serious, never been in a fight and maintain good grades. He told me I was a boring daughter. FML

by peallow / 05/12/2013 at 1:01am / Puerto Rico / Miscellaneous

Today, I had to listen to yet another delusional fuckface at school bitch about how a girl he's interested in put him in the "friend-zone". I really couldn't focus on my work, so I tried to shut him up by saying he's an idiot, not least because she already has a boyfriend. I now have a black eye. FML

by getafucktoysomewhereelsedude / 05/16/2013 at 4:31pm / Canada (Ontario) / Health

Today, my boss asked me to read through a document. I gave my feedback, saying it seemed like it had been written by an 8-year-old. Turns out it was in fact written by him. FML

by anon_1996 / 05/08/2013 at 12:59pm / United Kingdom (Surrey) / Work