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April 2016

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Today, I overheard my mom talking to a friend on the phone. What caught my attention was when she said: "You ever look at your kid and just think... 'Fuck. Where'd I go wrong?'" FML

by only child says fuck you mom / 04/10/2016 at 10:56am / United States (North Carolina) / Miscellaneous

Today, after a 2-hour meeting, I rushed to take an urgent dump. Unbeknownst to me, my urine was not hitting the porcelain bowl, but rather the underside of the lid. As it pooled around the pedestal, it soaked my pants, underwear, and when I stood up to button my pants, it got on my shirt too. FML

by TooQuick / 04/27/2016 at 8:19am / Mozambique (Maputo) / Work

Today, my boyfriend called condoms the "biggest scam in history" and said I won't get pregnant if I just wash myself out with vinegar after we finish. FML

by Anonymous / 04/16/2016 at 4:32am / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, I was chatting with a new guy at work. He cracked a joke about me and I jokingly gave him a light push on the shoulder. Half a second after I touched him, he threw himself back and hit the floor yelling in "pain". Now I'm suspended because of this psycho. FML

by framed / 04/02/2016 at 8:30am / United States (New Hampshire) / Work

Today, while being intimate with my future husband, I reached over to stroke his cheek. The light behind him cast a shadow over my chest, and it scared me so much, I screamed then I farted on him. FML

by Dramaqueenfornothing / 04/27/2016 at 6:32pm / South Africa (Western Cape) / Love

Today, I found out how acidic some of the chemicals I work with are. After a chemical shower, minor burns, and having to throw away my clothes due to a biohazard, I had the pleasure of running across the parking lot to my car, wearing only a lab coat around my waist. FML

by Anonymous / 04/15/2016 at 4:18pm / United States / Work

Today, my girlfriend decided it was logical to accuse me of cheating because of the hundreds of emails I had from women wanting to meet up with me for sex. She had been looking in the "Spam" folder. FML

by fresh single / 04/03/2016 at 3:53am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was snorkeling when a stingray suddenly appeared when I thought I was just looking at sand. It startled me, so my heel made contact with a sea urchin so that then startled me, and my other foot hit another one. FML

by Stingraybeemonster / 04/07/2016 at 4:51am / Thailand / Miscellaneous

Today, my fiancé's mom was driving me to the store to pick up my wedding dress. A few minutes into the drive, she said the car's tank was nearly out of "Jews" and that she'd have to give it "a whole lotta gas", then chuckled to herself. She's well aware that I'm Jewish. FML

by Anonymous / 04/16/2016 at 2:01am / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, a woman came up to me and sheepishly asked if my son is single. He's not my son, he's my boyfriend. FML

by iliana74 / 04/20/2016 at 12:07pm / United States (Ohio) / Love

Today, my blind date started with, "I am required by law to tell you this: I am a registered sex offender." FML

by w0w / 04/22/2016 at 8:12am / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend said he was no longer sexually attracted to me. He then followed that with, "But don't worry, it's not because you're fat." FML

by notjustfat / 04/20/2016 at 7:24pm / United States / Love

Today, I spent 2 hours slaving over a hot stove to make my kids the perfect dinner. They both came home with Happy Meals in their hands. FML