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May 2016

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Today, my train departed over 10 minutes early. It was the last train of the day. I missed my transatlantic flight and along with it the vacation and concert I'd spent over a year saving for. FML

by 3,500 down / 05/07/2016 at 4:00am / United States (Oklahoma) / Money

Today, I've been single for so long, I got butterflies when I went on a date. A date with a character in Grand Theft Auto. FML

by Anonymous / 05/08/2016 at 6:38am / United States (Tennessee) / Love

Today, I found an injured rabbit by the side of the road. I was about to take it to the local vet, when my husband picked it up and casually snapped its neck. "No rabbit's worth my money" he said, forgetting that he's been a jobless moocher for over 3 years. Pass me the goddamn divorce papers. FML

by Anonymous / 05/14/2016 at 6:34am / United States (Texas) / Animals

Today, my daughter asked me to take her to Victoria's Secret so I could buy her some "sexy clothes". She's 9. FML

by Anonymous / 05/08/2016 at 4:42am / Kids

Today, my now fully vaccinated puppy went to a restaurant for the first time. They allow clean, well-behaved dogs. He threw up everywhere from excitement. FML

by Pupluv183 / 05/02/2016 at 12:43pm / United States (Oregon) / Animals

Today, while shopping, I told my wife I'd love some pork chops for dinner. Someone nearby muttered, "That's practically cannibalism, ya fat pig." My wife immediately had a "coughing attack" that sounded suspiciously like it was covering up laughter. FML

by dempasi / 05/06/2016 at 2:51pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was peeing in a public bathroom when a guy walked in and passed by 4 open urinals to use the one next to mine. After feeling his gaze for a second, I confronted him with my own, in hopes he would stop. Instead, I stared into a stranger's eyes until I finished peeing. FML

by longest minute / 05/25/2016 at 7:28am / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, my wife is so determined to keep me on my diet that, as I'm off work for the next week, she has gotten rid of all the food in the house. She has also taken the phones and iPads so I can't order a takeaway, and taken all my trousers so I can't walk to the shops. FML

by hungry hungry harvey / 05/08/2016 at 12:56pm / United States / Health

Today, as a Uber driver, a passenger requested a ride at 5:30 a.m. so he could go a half block to the McDonald's drive thru and back. FML

by aviationgeek / 05/18/2016 at 2:18pm / United States (Washington) / Work

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I recieved a failing grade on my huge end-of-term project. My group members forgot to put my name on it. FML

by centaursTesticle / 05/18/2016 at 8:34am / United States / Work

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I finally got up the nerve to ask a girl at my school for her number. As I was typing it into my phone, she pointed out the giant booger firmly attached to my sleeve. FML

by Joseflloyd / 05/12/2016 at 12:52am / United States (Colorado) / Love

Today, while in class, my friend would not stop annoying me by tapping me on the shoulder every so often. After the fifth time, I lost my patience, told him to F off, and slapped his hand. Only it wasn't my friend tapping my shoulder this time, it was my teacher. FML

by gettinganF / 05/23/2016 at 7:57am / United States (Maryland) / Miscellaneous

Today, even though my boyfriend knew that I was a devout catholic before he asked me on a date, he's pissed that I keep refusing to have sex. Apparently, he thought I was just playing hard to get and that I would eventually drop my panties like all the other slutty "religious" girls he claims to have fucked. FML

by Bethany / 05/20/2016 at 3:31pm / Germany / Intimacy