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February 2016

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Today, I was clipping my abnormally thick toenails. I had to apply so much pressure on the clippers that a nail flew off, hit me in the eyeball and scratched my cornea. The doctor nearly fell off his chair laughing during my eye exam after I told him what happened. FML

#21523193
64 comments

I agree, your life sucks (19537) - you deserved it (1913)

On 02/05/2016 at 8:34pm - misc - by Anonymous - United States (North Carolina)

Today, I told my step-mom that my medication is causing me to lose weight. She looked me up and down and suggested I triple my dosage. FML

#21523215
53 comments

I agree, your life sucks (19123) - you deserved it (1896)

On 02/05/2016 at 10:11pm - misc - by cuntingbitchofawhore - United States (Indiana)

Today, my wife and I were having sex when she suddenly stopped and said, "I just thought of a great lesson plan idea for my 3rd graders." This isn't the first time this has happened. FML

#21522820
61 comments

I agree, your life sucks (19197) - you deserved it (1878)

On 02/04/2016 at 5:19pm - intimacy - by Anonymous -

Today, after years of lonesome birthdays overseas, I am finally able to celebrate the occasion at home. My best friend of 10 years will not be attending because her boyfriend of two months is having his party the same night. FML

Today, I visited my son at his university accommodations and noticed he's clearly never cleaned it since he moved in two years ago. I tried cleaning it myself, but gave up entirely when I found what looked like mushrooms growing out of an old takeout container. FML

#21524464
48 comments

I agree, your life sucks (15994) - you deserved it (1794)

On 02/09/2016 at 4:35pm - kids - by Pauline (woman) - United States

Today, I was at the gym. At the end of my workout, I realised I lost the bundle of keys I had in my pocket that contained the key to my locker with all my stuff. I panic and start looking for them. After an hour of desperate searching, I find them thrown in the bottom of the public toilet. Thanks. FML

#21522144
33 comments

I agree, your life sucks (19311) - you deserved it (1758)

On 02/02/2016 at 3:27pm - misc - by oh, shit...... - Denmark (Hovedstaden)

Today, one of my friends made it to school. He has been sick recently, missing days out of the week. When I saw him, I greeted him with, "Were you dying yesterday?" Apparently he wasn't, but his grandmother really did. FML

#21524937
23 comments

I agree, your life sucks (8850) - you deserved it (1760)

On 02/10/2016 at 8:15pm - misc - by Anonymous - United States (Florida)

Today, we had my grandmother with dementia round for tea. She looked me up and down and said, very matter-of-factly, "Well, with a figure like that, no one will rape you." FML

#21522996
59 comments

I agree, your life sucks (18937) - you deserved it (1751)

On 02/05/2016 at 5:27am - intimacy - by Sgt_Jackrum (woman) - United Kingdom (Sandwell)

Today, I heard a noise in my garage so I grabbed a baseball bat and went to look. The skunk I stirred was actually better armed than me. FML

#21523316
38 comments

I agree, your life sucks (17387) - you deserved it (1745)

On 02/06/2016 at 6:42am - animals - by moosemay (woman) - Germany (Bayern)

Today, I was at the gym. I'm 360 lbs and have finally decided it's time to change that. Some girl and her two bitch friends thought it'd be fun to follow me and belittle me at everything I did. When I mentioned it to the staff, they said that they were just "encouraging" me. FML

#21522018
208 comments

I agree, your life sucks (27150) - you deserved it (1742)

On 02/02/2016 at 5:17am - health - by Anonymous - Canada (Ontario)

Today, my cat shoved his claw up my nose and got it stuck there. FML

#21523143
49 comments

I agree, your life sucks (18722) - you deserved it (1725)

On 02/05/2016 at 5:51pm - animals - by ReiracsNeve - United States (Florida)

Today, while driving around with my brother and his idiotic friends, one of them decided it would be a brilliant idea to throw a hot sauce packet out of the car window at a moving vehicle. I've never seen someone angry enough to stop and get out of a vehicle that fast. FML

Today, Southwest officially called off the search for my lost baggage and asked me to file a claim for reimbursement. My bag had $2000 worth of dental instruments, which I won't get any compensation for since the airline doesn't take any liability for valuable items. FML

#21522618
69 comments

I agree, your life sucks (19912) - you deserved it (1713)

On 02/03/2016 at 11:47pm - misc - by InDebt (man) - United States (West Virginia)



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FML's blog

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Friday 5 February 2016

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