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July 2014

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Today, I sent my boyfriend a picture of my boobs. I quickly found out that I'd accidentally sent it to my sister instead. She sent me one back. FML

by boob sisters / 07/02/2014 at 1:01pm / United States (Georgia) / Intimacy

Today, I used the self-checkout for the first time. I didn't see a slot for bills, so I tried to put them in the coin slot for a solid three minutes. There was a huge line behind me, silently judging. FML

by notacashier / 07/03/2014 at 8:29am / United States (New York) / Money

Today, I was at a party, and someone called the cops on us. I dove into a bush that turned out to have thorns. I got multiple cuts and a sprained wrist, and got arrested anyway. Its kind of hard to hide from the police when you're screaming in agony. FML

by Anonymous / 07/19/2014 at 7:35am / United States (Missouri) / Health

Today, my boyfriend said we can't have sex with the light on anymore. He said he can never finish because the face I make when I orgasm makes him laugh. FML

by teegtwo / 07/22/2014 at 1:55am / United States / Intimacy

Today, I went surfing, got a few rides, then realized I had my phone in my pocket. FML

by surfer / 07/21/2014 at 1:14pm / United States (New York) / Geek

Today, I had a rough day and was extremely tired. I took a nap on the couch, and woke up to a guy robbing my house. I pretended I was still sleeping, waiting a chance to grab him or run out safely. I ended up falling back asleep. FML

by FML / 07/24/2014 at 11:59am / United States (Virginia) / Miscellaneous

Today, my sister was upset because she felt like no one liked her. Without thinking, I replied, "It's okay. If I acted like you, people would probably hate me, too." This sounded sympathetic in my head. FML

by wiifantcso / 07/01/2014 at 5:57pm / United States (Wisconsin) / Miscellaneous

Today, I dyed a friend's hair dark brown. She assured me I didn't need gloves as the dye would wash off. It didn't. My shift as a server is in an hour and it looks like I've been working in a tire shop my whole life. Goodbye tips, hello angry customers not wanting me anywhere near their food. FML

by EliTheAdorable / 07/28/2014 at 1:50am / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I was pulled over for speeding. The officer was nice and let me off with just a warning. That is, until my dipshit brother yelled "Fucking pig!" out the window as the officer walked back to his car. FML

by Anonymous / 07/21/2014 at 11:58am / United States (Connecticut) / Transportation

Today, I was interviewing a woman for a job. She told me that she may need days off because of her artistic son. I jokingly replied, "Does he color on the walls or something?" She then stared at me with a weird look on her face. Autistic, her son is autistic. FML

by dammit hearing aid / 07/10/2014 at 6:17pm / United States (Iowa) / Work

Today, I was so ashamed of my weight when I sat down and the suction of my thighs made a loud fart noise, I admitted to it being a fart rather than my fat rolls. FML

by ThunderThighs / 07/23/2014 at 7:24pm / United States (New Jersey) / Health

Today, at my football game, I turned around to spit so that it would be away from my teammates. I ended up spitting on a 10-year-old kid walking behind me. FML

by whoops / 07/09/2014 at 1:38am / Canada (Ontario) / Kids

Today, I went to a market. I saw stall which had mainly animal furs and things like that. I found a rounded, furry pen and stroked my cheek with it. Wondering what it was, being so soft and oddly shaped, I checked the tag. It was kangaroo testicles. FML

by happypineapple / 07/16/2014 at 11:31pm / Australia (Queensland) / Animals