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April 2014

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Today, after beating myself up for being useless and not being able to do anything right, I managed to choke almost to the point of blacking out, on a piece of lettuce. FML

by failureatlife / 04/27/2014 at 3:16pm / United States (Louisiana) / Miscellaneous

Today, my long-distance boyfriend got extremely drunk and insisted that we ran the Skype call all night so it was like I was there with him. I woke up to the sound of him vomiting loudly at 3am. FML

by Amy (grossed out) / 04/27/2014 at 9:43am / Australia (South Australia) / Love

Today, due to my wife saying I never cook and we always order pizza, I spent a good hour preparing dinner. While serving it to my kids, they started complaining. My wife told them to shut up. When she took a bite, she looked up at me, smiled, and said, "Do you, you know, want to just order pizza?" FML

by Max / 04/09/2014 at 2:32pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend wanted me to get a shirt saying "I'm a girl," just so people won't think he's gay. FML

by Violet / 04/04/2014 at 9:57pm / United States (New Hampshire) / Love

Today, after a dental appointment, my lips were numb. On the bus on my way back home, the cutest girl smiled at me. In attempt to smile back, I forgot my lips were numb and ended up spitting my chewing gum at her. I had to switch buses. FML

by Anonymous / 04/14/2014 at 6:12am / Malta / Miscellaneous

Today, I had to rush my 14-year-old son to the hospital after he fell out of a tree while trying to take an obnoxious "extreme selfie". FML

by derped-out sperm / 04/01/2014 at 5:41pm / Ireland / Kids

Today, I watched a drunk guy getting thrown out of a bar, then get tased on the sidewalk outside. He was our designated driver. FML

by brodinn / 04/11/2014 at 9:48am / United States (Kentucky) / Miscellaneous

Today, I sat and watched the CEO of DreamWorks on TV misuse words such as "quantum". He's filthy rich, whereas I'm a savagely underpaid gardener. FML

by PoeticPathetic / 04/15/2014 at 10:28pm / Australia (New South Wales) / Money

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my girlfriend threatened to break up with me because I don't like her Facebook statuses enough. FML

by AlonsoKold / 04/07/2014 at 7:39pm / United States (Michigan) / Love

Today, the guy I live with demanded that I get a job or start paying rent. It'd be perfectly reasonable, if he wasn't my husband, and if I hadn't just given birth to our first child. FML

by Anonymous / 04/11/2014 at 7:49pm / United Kingdom (Bristol, City of) / Kids

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend of three years. I worked my ass off planning everything down to a T. It seemed perfect, until I actually proposed, at which point I was rejected and dumped, in front of my family, friends and two coworkers. FML

by willstaysingle / 04/29/2014 at 10:18am / Love

Today, I went to a veterans' reunion party with my grandpa. While there, a guy started yelling at me for having an unapproved haircut. It was my grandpa's old drill sergeant, and he thought I was in the army too. Everyone just smirked as he forced me to drop and do push-ups. FML

by Gomer / 04/11/2014 at 10:51am / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, our family went to a water park. The park's mascot came up to greet us, and my daughter got scared. She then refused to go inside, so we had no choice but to leave. FML

by Someone / 04/15/2014 at 8:20pm / Canada (Ontario) / Kids