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January 2014

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Today, I downloaded a movie for my mom that she really likes, "When Harry Met Sally". When she loaded the file, we soon found out it was actually some kind of obscure porno billed as "When Harry Wet Sally". FML

by Anonymous / 01/05/2014 at 6:48pm / United States (Ohio) / Intimacy

Today, I bought an automatic air refresher. I put the can and batteries in, and it promptly sprayed a blast of its scent down my throat. Now I can't breathe without tasting it. FML

by Anonymous / 01/19/2014 at 4:08pm / Canada (Saskatchewan) / Miscellaneous

Today, I brought up the subject of marriage with my boyfriend. His response was to shoot me with a nerf gun and laugh. FML

by CatLady / 01/06/2014 at 2:20pm / United States (California) / Love

Today, after working my shift at McDonalds, I went to clock in at my dispatch job. During a 911 call, I blurted, "Would you like to try the McRib while it's back?" FML

by Anonymous / 01/10/2014 at 9:25pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I woke up hungover and with $13 stuffed in my bra. I'm not a stripper, and I'm not sure how it got there, but that's the most money I've had on me in weeks. FML

by Anonymous / 01/01/2014 at 12:47pm / United States (Connecticut) / Money

Today, after 3 months of no orgasms, I was in the shower, working to rectify that. As I was seconds away from coming, my dad loudly knocked on the door and demanded to know how much longer I was going to take. Probably another 3 months now, dad. FML

by sally / 01/25/2014 at 12:42pm / United States (Georgia) / Intimacy

Today, my husband and I are sick. He keeps whining about how bad he feels. I'm just as sick, as well as 7 months pregnant. I've not only been taking care of his whiny ass: I've cooked, cleaned, and gone to the store several times because the tissues we had were too rough on his nose. FML

by AnonWife / 01/21/2014 at 8:16pm / United Kingdom (North Lincolnshire) / Health

Today, when I am asked to do something and I don't do it immediately, my mother threatens to "twerk" in front of my friends. FML

by FMLPLZ / 01/02/2014 at 9:52pm / United States (Wisconsin) / Miscellaneous

Today, I signed up for a dating site and used a photo of my mother and me at a wedding. Everyone stops responding when they find out they're talking to me and not her. FML

by dylanhollis / 01/17/2014 at 7:49am / United States (Texas) / Love

Today, in revenge for being grounded for bullying a kid at school, my eight-year-old son flung a handful of Lego in my path as I walked barefoot into the kitchen. I'm still in pain. 5ML

by limping / 01/24/2014 at 6:10pm / Canada / Kids

Today, my evening was shot to hell when I found my pregnant wife on the floor, sobbing because we'd run out of cheese sticks. FML

by Anonymous / 01/31/2014 at 5:08pm / United States (Minnesota) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was getting ready for a night out with the girls, and without any hint of trickery, just wanting an honest answer, I asked my boyfriend how I looked in the dress I chose. He immediately dropped to his knees, yelled, "NOOOOOOOOO!" and calmly left the room. FML

by -_-" / 01/11/2014 at 6:13pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out that the generous gift from my boyfriend of a new iPhone was only given so he could use the "find my phone" function to make sure I'm always where I say I am each day. I'm being stalked by my own boyfriend. FML

by Anonymous / 01/15/2014 at 1:25pm / Italy (Toscana) / Love