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January 2014

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Today, I was asked to go to a ball by the guy I like. The theme is masquerade. He made me a Robin mask; he's wearing a Batman mask. FML

by Unfortunately Me / 01/08/2014 at 7:54pm / United States (California) / Love

Today, at work teaching a cooking class, one of the kids asked if they could use a knife to help me chop vegetables. I said no, because it was very sharp and only staff members are allowed to use them. Just as I said that, the knife sliced through the tip of my thumb. FML

by just the tip, though / 01/28/2014 at 12:06pm / United States (Georgia) / Health

Today, my girlfriend dumped me because she found some lesbian porn on my computer. Her reasoning? That I must secretly be gay. FML

by Anonymous / 01/27/2014 at 6:32pm / Puerto Rico / Love

Today, my plans for having sex with my girlfriend were thwarted for the sixth time in a row by my own mother. I found out later that she's been reading my texts so she knew when to drop by and ruin everything. FML

by MM / 01/21/2014 at 6:26pm / United States (Maine) / Intimacy

Today, I asked my girlfriend's dad for permission to take her hand in marriage. He said no, because he doesn't want her marrying a "sexist idiot who treats her like property", which he thinks asking permission amounts to, then told me to grow up. FML

by Anonymous / 01/19/2014 at 5:59pm / United States (Texas) / Love

Today, and for the past week, my dog started barking at my door when I start masturbating. I think my mom is starting to suspect. FML

by fappy dog / 01/23/2014 at 4:06pm / United States (Illinois) / Intimacy

Today, my boyfriend told me that sometimes my nipples taste like onions. FML

by Snufflopagus / 01/01/2014 at 8:26am / United States (Washington) / Intimacy

Today, I shut one of my breasts in my car door. FML

by Anonymous / 01/18/2014 at 1:29am / United States (Colorado) / Miscellaneous

Today, after I took my first set of exams, my professor posted on Twitter, scoffing at how stupid one student's answer was. The answer he quoted was one that I wrote. FML

by Anonymous / 01/22/2014 at 4:41pm / Canada (Saskatchewan) / Miscellaneous

Today, while driving home, my 3-year-old daughter told me she had to poop. I told her that she would have to wait until we got home. When we got home, she pulled down her pants and shat on the floor, because, "I'm home now." FML

by mom / 01/25/2014 at 11:29pm / United States (Texas) / Kids

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex. After a while, he started staring at my lady parts, and said my "vag looks like a mockingjay". He then stretched the lips apart like wings and made little "CA-CAW CA-CAW!" sounds. FML

by Goodyear / 01/19/2014 at 10:59pm / United States (Arizona) / Intimacy

Today, my boyfriend and I were in the shower and things were getting heated. I tried to move position, but slipped and fell, bringing the shower curtain I'd grabbed onto down with me along its support rod. My ass hit the floor just as hard as the rod hit my head. FML

by owl + bungee cord / 01/07/2014 at 3:38pm / United States (Virginia) / Intimacy

Today, after much debate I let my mom wax my eyebrows. Now I get to look super surprised until they grow back. FML

by madib33 / 01/11/2014 at 12:49am / United States / Miscellaneous