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Saturday 13 July 2013

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Today, I was browsing porn in my room, when my dad barged in. I quickly switched to another tab, only to see it was parked on another porn page. I had another browser window open, so I switched to that. More porn. My dad said, "Riiiggghhhttt... You need help, son." FML

by fuck / 07/13/2013 at 1:22pm / United Kingdom (Surrey) / Miscellaneous

Today, I announced my third pregnancy to my family. My dad's only reaction was to scoff, "Really? Stop breeding already." FML

by Anonymous / 07/13/2013 at 4:26pm / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was doing a demonstration in front of my taekwondo class because I'm flexible. Really flexible. I kneed myself in the face and broke my nose. FML

by Anonymous / 07/13/2013 at 12:37am / Canada (Ontario) / Health

Today, my driving instructor failed me on my test, because I forgot to turn the air conditioning off after parking. FML

by WOW / 07/13/2013 at 4:40pm / Kenya / Miscellaneous

Today, my girlfriend and I were at the movies. When the "love scene" came on, she leaned over and made out with the wrong man. FML

by a man / 07/13/2013 at 9:20am / United States (Texas) / Love

Today, the guy I like asked me what he should do for the girl he has a crush on. I told him to give her flowers and tell her how he feels. Later that day my doorbell rang, and he stood there holding flowers. He said the magical words, "My car broke down, can you give me a lift?" FML

by Stacy / 07/13/2013 at 12:22am / United States / Love

Today, I woke up to a strange noise. I looked over to see my drunk husband standing at the dresser. I asked him what he was doing. "Peeing." I asked him, "In the sock drawer?" There was a pause. "Am I peeing in the wrong drawer?" FML

by speechless / 07/13/2013 at 10:32am / United States (Indiana) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was at a music festival, and my mum had told me not to to drink. Someone threw a cup of beer at me, and I was worried about smelling of alcohol. It's okay though, because a second cup of urine took the alcohol smell right away. FML

by Festivaler / 07/13/2013 at 3:14am / United Kingdom (Edinburgh, City of) / Miscellaneous

Today, one of my co-workers was fired after my manager discovered him pissing in the office coffee pot. I had three cups before I found out what had happened. FML

by Anonymous / 07/13/2013 at 5:10pm / United States (Maryland) / Work

Today, my girlfriend of over four years cheated on me in revenge for me abandoning our date last night. I'm a surgeon on call at the local hospital. FML

by Anonymous / 07/13/2013 at 5:39pm / United States (California) / Love

Today, I was shopping with my girlfriend, when a girl came out of nowhere, screaming at me for cheating on her, and saying she was dumping me. I've never seen her before, and she was almost grinning during her little act, but my girlfriend believed it, and I'm now single. FML

by fuckingtrollingskankwhoreshitwankcuntfuck / 07/13/2013 at 1:33pm / United States (Connecticut) / Love

Today, I was playing Monopoly with my kids. It was fun, and led to some mock fights. My neighbor, who despises me for being a single mother, used it as an excuse to call the cops on me for "abusing" my kids. They were too confused to do anything but nod at the officer's accusing questions. FML

by Anonymous / 07/13/2013 at 12:16pm / Puerto Rico / Kids

Today, I was using a public restroom. As I lowered my pants, a man's head and arms popped out over the divider. He took a picture and immediately rushed out. FML

by Anna / 07/13/2013 at 12:40am / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous