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Today, at dinner, my downstair's neighbors described how they can listen to most of my movements, including the buzz of my phone when I text late at night. I think all of us knew it is not my phone that vibrates at that time. FML

#21343273
88 comments

I agree, your life sucks (30509) - you deserved it (4649)

On 01/24/2015 at 2:57am - intimacy - by Anonymous - United States (Texas)

Today, I psyched myself up and headed out to a really promising job interview. I was sure I was going to nail it and get my first job. That is, until a bird shat on my head on my way there. Thank you so very much, universe. FML

#21334630
61 comments

I agree, your life sucks (28540) - you deserved it (2077)

On 01/10/2015 at 5:46pm - work - by sadlrana121 (woman) - United Kingdom (London, City of)

Today, I was playing what became an extremely intense game of hide-and-seek with my best friend's sister. I finally found the perfect place, so I slid down into the bath and began to cover myself. She popped up out of nowhere and said, "FOUND YOU!" I got so scared that I punched her in the face. FML

#21325704
59 comments

I agree, your life sucks (28700) - you deserved it (7177)

On 12/28/2014 at 4:07am - kids - by angryman -

Today, my girlfriend was rushed to the hospital with anal tearing. We've never tried anal before, but it turns out she and my "best friend" sure have. FML

#21342800
177 comments

I agree, your life sucks (41823) - you deserved it (2518)

On 01/23/2015 at 9:58am - love - by Anonymous (man) - United States

Today, I tried baking my own bread to save food money. Unfortunately I screwed it up, prompting my wife to look at me pityingly and say "Wow, can't get even bread to rise." before walking out. I have erectile dysfunction, and she constantly insults me like this. FML

#21333974
153 comments

I agree, your life sucks (39008) - you deserved it (3059)

On 01/09/2015 at 3:16pm - health - by Anonymous (man) - United States

Today, I accidentally spilled a big glass of water on the table, where I had some papers, my cellphone, and a box of donuts. With lightning reflexes, my sister heroically jumped forward and saved the donuts. FML

#21338246
81 comments

I agree, your life sucks (26140) - you deserved it (8587)

On 01/16/2015 at 12:09pm - misc - by phones - United States

Today, I lost a sewing needle in the carpet. No worries, my big toe found it. FML

#21340022
51 comments

I agree, your life sucks (30273) - you deserved it (3660)

On 01/19/2015 at 1:34am - misc - by momac86 - United States

Today, my drinking problem became apparent when my daughter asked for a glass of juice, and I instinctively poured a large glass of scotch instead. FML

#21357563
85 comments

I agree, your life sucks (14962) - you deserved it (34184)

On 02/16/2015 at 8:04pm - kids - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (California)

Today, it was my birthday. My boyfriend made me breakfast in bed, then we went out shopping, had a picnic, watched a good romcom, had a fancy dinner, and ended the day with great sex. And when the clock struck twelve, he dumped me. FML

#21351571
115 comments

I agree, your life sucks (43350) - you deserved it (2751)

On 02/07/2015 at 4:03pm - love - by Anonymous - United States (New Jersey)

Today, I received a panicked email from one of my university students on my course on Russian history, stating that he'd "always thought Stalin was fake, like the moon landing". FML

#21346676
70 comments

I agree, your life sucks (25224) - you deserved it (1894)

On 01/30/2015 at 5:51am - work - by Anonymous - United Kingdom (Surrey)

Today, after telling my husband he can send me dirty texts any time, he sent me one from work. It said, "Babe when I get home, I'm gonna go 9/11 on your pussy ;)". I'm still not sure he understands why that was so offensive. FML

#21347069
131 comments

I agree, your life sucks (26751) - you deserved it (5122)

On 01/30/2015 at 11:04pm - intimacy - by The Soul Of A Damned Queef (woman) - United States (California)

Today, I was awoken by the sound of my pet lizard eating my other pet lizard. FML

Today, one of the guys I work with ran his finger down the back of my shirt and said, "Just checking to see if you're wearing a bra today". FML



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