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Today, I thought it'd be fun to kick open one of those unisex bathrooms in my workplace. I'm not sure who was more surprised, me or my boss who was in there taking a dump. FML

by unlucky / 12/11/2014 at 8:26am / Hong Kong / Work

Today, my in-laws were visiting. My mother-in-law asked my 10-year-old son what he wants to be when he grows up. He said "A pimp!" I have no idea where he even heard the word, but the death glares my in-laws gave me made me want to shrivel up and die. FML

by Anonymous / 01/22/2015 at 1:27pm / United States (Texas) / Kids

Today, my boyfriend uploaded a pic to snapchat that said "the love of my life." It was a pic of our beautiful baby girl. Then he uploaded another pic that said "the 2nd love of my life." It was a pic of the fuel truck he drives for work. FML

by Anonymous / 01/23/2015 at 1:33am / Canada (Alberta) / Love

Today, I'm 8 months pregnant and still waitressing at a local restaurant. There were only 3 of us serving today and things were hectic. One guy bitched me out, saying "Maybe if you lost some weight you'd walk a little faster!" because I wasn't fast enough with his soup. FML

by blahblah1993 / 02/20/2015 at 12:56pm / United States (Texas) / Work

Today, I wore a new shirt, but forgot to remove the price tag. It was kind of windy outside, so when I got outside, the tag hit me on the neck, I thought it was a giant insect attacking my neck. I started screaming like a little girl. I'm a 30 year old guy. FML

by Jordan / 04/02/2015 at 3:58pm / Jordan (Al Balqa') / Miscellaneous

Today, my professor let a guy into my philosophy class 30 minutes late because his excuse was, "Time is just an illusion." This is the same professor that kicked me out of the classroom for being 2 minutes late. FML

by Really / 06/09/2015 at 9:59pm / United States (Rhode Island) / Work

Today, my mother bought me some "biodegradable" tissues. Indeed, they melted… in my hand. FML

by mc / 01/02/2009 at 9:12pm / Miscellaneous

Today, I lost my third phone in a year. Making it a grand total of 11 telephones lost or stolen in the past 3 years. FML

by failphone / 01/07/2009 at 2:57pm / United States (California) / Geek

Today, a boy I'm not even dating took it upon himself to tell me that we would never work out. Via text message. FML

by wowza / 01/31/2009 at 11:52am / United States / Love

Today, I was giving my friend sex advice when she asked me when was the last time for me. Not only did I lie but I realized that it was in November and the time before that was June. I have had sex less times this year than she has this week. FML

by Anonymous / 05/06/2009 at 11:07am / United States (Maryland) / Intimacy

Today, I went on a first date with a guy I met at a speed dating event. He recommended the lamb shank, which I ordered without looking at the menu. When the waiter took my order, my date said, "wait, the lamb is $27, why don't you get the chicken". He then ordered the lamb for himself. FML

by bettysue / 02/06/2009 at 10:37am / United States (California) / Love

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I flew home from college to see my parents. Later I found the expensive painting and hand-made necklace I mailed to my mom for mother's day while taking out the trash. FML

by Anonymous / 05/12/2009 at 4:58pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went to my best friend's birthday party. After about 15 minutes, I noticed a girl, possibly one of his sisters friends, wearing the same shirt as me. I am a 23 year old bloke. She didn't look a day over 14. FML

by bluewinter / 05/23/2009 at 6:53am / United Kingdom (London) / Miscellaneous