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Today, I witnessed the beautiful sight of a tiny baby bird struggling to take flight from its nest. "You can do it," I muttered, which I guess my asswipe of a cat heard as "Quick, go kill that bird and scar me for life, please." FML

#21360123
72 comments

I agree, your life sucks (28513) - you deserved it (3768)

On 02/20/2015 at 11:25pm - animals - by tulisa (woman) - United States (Virginia)

Today, my girlfriend gave me my first ever blowjob and she surprised me by deciding to swallow. Or so I thought. When she came up to kiss me, she spat my man-milk into my mouth and almost pissed herself laughing when I freaked out and nearly threw up. FML

#21428553
244 comments

I agree, your life sucks (28083) - you deserved it (11471)

On 06/19/2015 at 12:17pm - intimacy - by shmarf (man) - United States (Missouri)

Today, I had to explain to my rabidly religious brother how two transvestites can buy fish at Petco while he's buying the same fish at the same Petco, and it doesn't equate to hitting on him. It's been two hours, and he's still sitting outside my door reading Bible verses and praying aggressively. FML

#21392651
149 comments

I agree, your life sucks (28638) - you deserved it (2369)

On 04/12/2015 at 10:51pm - misc - by mademoiselle meurtre (woman) - United States (Illinois)

Today, I got yelled at for 'letting' my muddy dog jump on my cousin's wedding dress as she was getting ready. I don't own a dog and haven't since I was a kid. FML

#21404425
51 comments

I agree, your life sucks (30979) - you deserved it (1997)

On 05/04/2015 at 10:49am - animals - by FMe - United Kingdom

Today, I walked in on my roommate with her ass cheeks spread wide, and her friend ripping a strip of wax off of her while wearing a headlamp flashlight to see if she "got it all". FML

#21420563
144 comments

I agree, your life sucks (30152) - you deserved it (3296)

On 06/04/2015 at 3:06am - intimacy - by Anonymous - United States (California)

Today, I went back to my flat after a night on the town and staying at my girlfriend's. My flat was flooded. I had been sick in the sink and left the tap on all night. FML

#2294
15 comments

I agree, your life sucks (5532) - you deserved it (20169)

On 01/23/2009 at 7:08am - misc - by Moe - United Kingdom (Lincolnshire)

Today, at my school, we had the opening night of our production in which I act. None of my family or friends came. Basically, after 3 long months of hard work, the only person to "congratulate" to me after the show was the head of the theater department, who just wanted to tell me I was doing it wrong. FML

#6594222
26 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24346) - you deserved it (3478)

On 12/04/2009 at 12:40am - misc - by drama_queen (woman) - United States (New York)

Today, I was in the bus on my way home. I was reading a book, and drops of something were getting all over it. It was the man sitting next to me who was asleep and drooling. FML

#6903052
27 comments

I agree, your life sucks (21783) - you deserved it (2216)

On 12/23/2009 at 1:56pm - misc - by fml_forever32 (woman) - United States (Florida)

Today, I spilled a glass of iced tea all over my desk. It trickled down the wall and fried an extension cord. FML

#8615940
90 comments

I agree, your life sucks (15943) - you deserved it (8373)

On 02/24/2010 at 2:43pm - misc - by dumbbass (man) - Canada (Ontario)

Today, I was wearing my favorite silk sweater, one I actually paid full price for. I sat down in my desk chair to work, and when I tried to get up I felt a strange pull. A corner of my sweater is still stuck in the screw at the back of the chair, the rest is in the trash. FML

#8736997
37 comments

I agree, your life sucks (18789) - you deserved it (3111)

On 03/01/2010 at 12:01am - misc - by dangit (woman) - United States (New York)

Today, my husband decided to be helpful and do all the laundry, including pre-treating all the stains. He felt that Clorox Clean-Up with Bleach would be the most effective. FML

#8374594
152 comments

I agree, your life sucks (21063) - you deserved it (3297)

On 02/17/2010 at 1:52pm - misc - by Anonymous - United States (New York)

Today, I found my company car wrecked in a ditch. Apparently, leaving it parked on an icy hill all night was a bad idea. I have to pick up my manager from the airport. FML

#8350634
40 comments

I agree, your life sucks (6888) - you deserved it (22474)

On 02/16/2010 at 8:29pm - love - by croleymd - United States

Today, I learned the reason they say don't keep your phone in high humidity places. I left my phone on the counter when I went to take a shower. It now won't turn on due to water damage and the warranty doesn't cover it. FML

#8341883
190 comments

I agree, your life sucks (6008) - you deserved it (32727)

On 02/16/2010 at 3:46pm - misc - by boo (woman) - United States (Pennsylvania)



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