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  • - Concept: An anecdote always starts with Today and ends with FML. There are no taboo subjects, feel free to express yourself.
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Today, my brother came to my first standup comedy act. He'd apparently read my material beforehand, and kept finishing my jokes for me. FML

#21050455
62 comments

I agree, your life sucks (51147) - you deserved it (5134)

On 02/04/2014 at 5:08pm - misc - by DeeDee - Austria (Wien)

Today, I heard my sister talking to my mom about me, saying that I have the ability to suck the life out of a room like a Dementor. I walked in and asked what she meant by that. My mom replied, "She means you're an asshole." I love you too, mom. FML

#21055293
76 comments

I agree, your life sucks (35873) - you deserved it (6348)

On 02/09/2014 at 12:00pm - misc - by jigglepuff - United States (Arizona)

Today, I was breast feeding my son. Out of nowhere, he bit my nipple hard, causing me to scream in pain. He giggled with my nipple still between his teeth. FML

Today, my boyfriend thought it'd be cute to put his penis through a doughnut and try to make me eat it off. FML

#21072191
220 comments

I agree, your life sucks (50617) - you deserved it (9883)

On 02/26/2014 at 1:53pm - intimacy - by lovely (woman) - United States (California)

Today, I was driving through the mountains and there was a chain requirement. I went to put them on and found a note where my chains used to be saying, "Have fun in a blizzard now bitch" from my ex. FML

#21062139
105 comments

I agree, your life sucks (39901) - you deserved it (6072)

On 02/16/2014 at 2:37am - misc - by snowlover (woman) - United States (California)

Today, I was at the mall with a couple of friends when we saw a couple of cute boys. I made eye contact with the cutest one. Flustered, I giggled, only to send a wad of snot flying out of my nose. FML

#21067978
55 comments

I agree, your life sucks (43547) - you deserved it (7687)

On 02/21/2014 at 9:47pm - misc - by Anonymous - United States (California)

Today, during class our teacher asked us, "Who is Uncle Sam?" A girl answered, "He's the guy who founded KFC, right?" I'm in an AP class and have to put up with these morons constantly. FML

#21071374
121 comments

I agree, your life sucks (42446) - you deserved it (4197)

On 02/25/2014 at 4:17pm - misc - by Anonymous - United States (Texas)

Today, I asked my boss for a few days off next week, because my grandmother passed away yesterday and I'll need to travel to attend the funeral. His response: "She's dead, you're not. You want time off, then quit." FML

#21080680
180 comments

I agree, your life sucks (56215) - you deserved it (3499)

On 03/07/2014 at 5:31pm - misc - by GLHan (man) - United States (New York)

Today, my boyfriend stayed over at my place for the first time. I left him in the bedroom for a couple of minutes while I used the toilet, and when I came back, he was holding my vibrator. He angrily asked me, "What the hell is this? You know this is cheating, right?" FML

#21113687
201 comments

I agree, your life sucks (58514) - you deserved it (9017)

On 04/15/2014 at 12:37pm - intimacy - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Pennsylvania)

Today, I broke up with my psycho girlfriend of one month. She actually expected me to let her keep the vintage car that I've been rebuilding for the past two years, and when I refused, she threatened to burn my garage down with us still in it. FML

#21100140
98 comments

I agree, your life sucks (45174) - you deserved it (3951)

On 03/30/2014 at 12:50pm - love - by starfishedasshole (man) - United States

Today, I'm in the process of adopting a child. When I called my mom to tell her the news, she just said, "Oh honey, don't adopt, it's the worst decision you'll ever make." I'm adopted. FML

#21110479
76 comments

I agree, your life sucks (47553) - you deserved it (2985)

On 04/11/2014 at 5:58pm - kids - by babylove - South Africa

Today, my little sister was in charge of doing the vacuuming, when she decided our hamster had "dust on his back". FML

#21134608
110 comments

I agree, your life sucks (42251) - you deserved it (3641) - Translated from the french version of FML. Bon appétit!

On 05/08/2014 at 4:48pm - animals - by gvmfvr - Sent from mobile version

Today, while meeting my girlfriend's parents for the first time, her dad made a big show of cleaning his rifle, before loading it, taking aim, and blowing the hell out of a hornet's nest at the back of the yard. I fear for my life. FML

#21124338
174 comments

I agree, your life sucks (43460) - you deserved it (6067)

On 04/27/2014 at 1:25pm - love - by Shit (man) - United States (California)



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