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Today, at my job as a fast food manager, I saw one of my employees "trying to pick the bugs out" of our cookies. They were the raisins in them. FML

by mcmanager / 08/11/2014 at 10:18am / United States (California) / Work

Today, I wrecked my car because my mom texted me, telling me not to text and drive. FML

by Anonymous / 09/01/2014 at 10:08am / United States / Transportation

Today, I was taking a customer's order, when she said she'd better go for a salad, because she was getting fat. She was actually very slim, so I told her she wasn't fat at all. She took one look at me and snorted "Yeah, not compared to you, that's for sure." FML

by Anonymous / 08/26/2014 at 11:30am / United States (Massachusetts) / Work

Today, I rode my new motorcycle to work for the first time. As I accelerated, I felt a sharp pain in my neck. Apparently, poisonous spiders can actually get trapped inside motorbike helmets. Duly noted. FML

by thelordofpies / 10/17/2014 at 11:24am / United States / Animals

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I woke up to a text from my manager, saying "Hed's up dude, ur gettin fired tomoz. CEO's pissed. No hard feelins m8". Great. FML

by fired tomoz / 10/29/2014 at 11:46am / South Africa (Gauteng) / Work

Today, after realizing my flashcards had fallen out of my binder, I asked my teacher if I could quickly go to my locker to get them. She said no and told me to go sit down. As soon as class ended, I went to my locker and brought them to her. Her response? "Why didn't you ask me to get these during class?" FML

by ohgosh... / 11/17/2014 at 10:10pm / United States (Michigan) / Work

Today, I texted my girlfriend, saying "Hey there." She quickly replied, assuring me that she's not cheating on me. Uh, okay. FML

by is_that_right / 12/27/2014 at 2:14pm / United States (Texas) / Love

Today, my friends and I were talking about our celebrity lookalikes. We decided that my friends all had attractive celebrity lookalikes, including Scarlett Johansson and Hayden Panettiere. When it was my turn, they decided that my "celebrity" lookalike is the Pillsbury Doughboy. FML

by KD / 01/04/2015 at 4:53pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend told me that he gets more pleasure out of using a Q-tip than he does having sex with me. FML

by Anonymous / 01/08/2015 at 9:24am / Estonia (Harjumaa) / Intimacy

Today, my father decided it would be a good idea to give me the sex talk, at Target, at the top of his lungs. FML

by tobuscus9412 / 03/21/2015 at 9:04pm / Australia (New South Wales) / Miscellaneous

Today, my drunken mother shouted to me at the top of her lungs, "All men are fucking assholes, and your new husband is no different!" during our wedding reception. All he did was ask her how she liked the salmon. FML

by How's the salmon? / 05/10/2015 at 2:00am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I was sitting in McDonald's. A lady came up to me and started complaining about the bad service, and asked for the manager. I told her that I didn't work there. "But you must, someone that fat has to work here!" FML

by fatty / 04/28/2015 at 9:36pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Miscellaneous

Today, an old lady in public transport yelled at me and my dog, called me a liar, and threw her grape soda over me because according to her my pet Shiba Inu was actually a fox, and keeping foxes as pets is illegal. FML

by foxownerapperantly / 06/07/2015 at 5:48pm / Netherlands (Noord-Holland) / Transportation