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Today, my boyfriend turned down a job that would have more than doubled his income because he didn't want to upset his current boss by quitting. FML

by heartmytrucker / 04/14/2014 at 5:58pm / United States (Tennessee) / Work

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I locked myself out of my dorm room. I walked across campus, shoe-less and in nothing but my bathrobe, to find someone who could let me back in. Turns out I hadn't even shut the door properly and so it never actually locked. I can still hear the guy laughing at me. FML

by killmenow / 04/23/2014 at 10:54am / United States (Louisiana) / Miscellaneous

Today, my husband suggested we get divorced, "for tax purposes". FML

by Anonymous / 05/19/2014 at 2:43pm / United States (Kansas) / Love

Today, I got into THE party of the year. Too bad it was the party my daughter was throwing while her father and I were out of town. FML

by jessicab72 / 05/15/2014 at 4:38pm / United States (Ohio) / Kids

Today, I fell asleep with my luggage at a bus terminal. Upon waking up, I found that someone had opened my bags and stolen all my socks. FML

by Anonymous / 09/09/2014 at 4:23pm / Transportation

Today, my boyfriend admitted than he's been using Febreze instead of showering for the past month. FML

by idonthaveauserna / 10/09/2014 at 12:48pm / United Kingdom (Lancashire) / Love

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I found out that the girl on Facebook that helped me out of my sadness after my break-up and who I'd hopelessly fallen in love with was just a prank by my ex-girlfriend. FML

by facebookdeception / 10/31/2014 at 12:25am / New Zealand (Auckland) / Love

Today, I confronted my boyfriend after I found him cheating on me with my best friend. It ended up with me apologising for spying on him. FML

by Turnaround / 11/07/2014 at 7:28am / Love

Today, I found out why my wife has been cold and distant lately. She went to a psycho fraudster - sorry, I mean "psychic medium" - who said I'm lusting after other women and am thinking about leaving her. She actually believed him. Now I'm considering leaving her for real. Well played, I guess. FML

by Anonymous / 12/06/2014 at 4:52pm / Belgium / Love

Today, my neighbor showed me footage of my 7-year-old son spraying his beloved rose garden with weed killer. The whole garden is dead as fuck, and I'm now being taken to small claims court. FML

by Anonymous / 12/05/2014 at 8:44am / United States (California) / Love

Today, I found out my girlfriend and all of our friends have begun referring to the time I was meant to lose my virginity, but couldn't get hard, as the "cheese stick incident." They all think it's hilarious, and the worst part is that it's actually a pretty appropriate description. FML

by Anonymous / 12/18/2014 at 5:45pm / United States (Michigan) / Intimacy

Today, thinking he was being so hilarious, my friend slipped me enough laxatives to make a horse shit its intestines out. I haven't been able to move from the toilet for over an hour. FML

by Anonymous / 01/20/2015 at 11:29pm / United States (Arkansas) / Health

Today, I was helping out during the school play's interval. My head of year jokingly asked me to follow him around with these mini cocktail sausages for the rest of the school year. I thought it would be witty to reply, "Does that make me your official sausage holder?" FML

by MirandaJones / 03/20/2015 at 10:41am / United Kingdom (London, City of) / Love