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Today, a co-worker gave me a couple of CDs he said he wanted me to listen to. I got excited, thinking that they were playlists he'd made for me. They were self-help tracks. FML

by The Last Cockbender / 10/06/2012 at 1:09pm / United Kingdom (London, City of) / Work

Today, I was woken up by my elderly neighbor banging on my door at 2am. She needed "urgent" assistance as she had forgotten how to turn her TV off. I'd just fallen asleep. FML

by Rachael / 11/30/2012 at 2:29am / Australia / Miscellaneous

Today, after my coworker bought coffee for me for the fifth time, I thanked him and asked him why. Apparently it's the only way to get me to shut up in the morning so he can get work done. FML

by coffee / 03/07/2013 at 8:44am / United States / Work

Today, I was on a bumpy bus ride and had to write a note, so I held my notebook against the bus window to steady my hand. An elderly woman then yelled at me, accusing me of drawing graffiti on the window. The bus driver kicked me off and I had to wait an hour in the rain for the next bus. FML

by 00sasori / 03/27/2013 at 1:41am / Canada (British Columbia) / Transportation

Today, I got into a car crash, in my own garage. FML

by LilaTheGreat / 05/05/2013 at 7:51pm / United States (Wisconsin) / Transportation

Today, the vet sent me an email wishing my kitten a happy 2nd birthday. My cat died last year. FML

by Tiber46 / 05/26/2013 at 4:33am / United States (California) / Animals

Today, my step-dad's three year old granddaughter slept over. She insisted she didn't need a diaper to go to sleep and they put her in my bed with me, actually believing that she didn't need a diaper. Not only did she kick me all night, but I had the joy of waking up to her peeing on me. FML

by samabomination / 06/02/2013 at 4:29am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Kids

Today, I arrived at my college dorm. To help me sleep, I listened to my local radio from my phone. Little did I know, they turn off the wifi for part of the night, and hours of music were streamed onto my phone. Guess who now owes the phone company all my money. FML

by OweLotsaMoney / 09/05/2013 at 11:49am / United States / Money

Today, my girlfriend and I were having sex. I guess she got bored because she started looking at her nails. FML

by anon / 12/21/2013 at 9:13am / United States (Florida) / Intimacy

Today, my husband cracked a "rectum? damn near killed him" joke at my grandfather's funeral. He had genuinely spoken without thinking, but his quick gasp and "Oh shit" sounded quite sarcastic. We were both kicked out. My family thinks I put him up to the whole thing. FML

by shanti / 02/16/2014 at 12:30pm / Miscellaneous

Today, I had to explain to my husband that it's biologically impossible for cats and dogs to cross-breed, and that his "brilliant idea" of getting ours to mate is just plain disturbing. He still doesn't believe me. FML

by Anonymous / 03/11/2014 at 2:51pm / Animals

Today, my boyfriend turned down a job that would have more than doubled his income because he didn't want to upset his current boss by quitting. FML

by heartmytrucker / 04/14/2014 at 5:58pm / United States (Tennessee) / Work

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I locked myself out of my dorm room. I walked across campus, shoe-less and in nothing but my bathrobe, to find someone who could let me back in. Turns out I hadn't even shut the door properly and so it never actually locked. I can still hear the guy laughing at me. FML

by killmenow / 04/23/2014 at 10:54am / United States (Louisiana) / Miscellaneous