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Today, the highlight of my day was learning how to drain my dog's anal glands. FML

by tbright010 / 04/08/2011 at 6:48pm / United States (Texas) / Animals

Today, I found cigarette butts at the bottom of the toaster. My mother has been dropping them in there for I don't know how long. FML

by Macy / 06/11/2011 at 4:36pm / Italy (Lazio) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was serving an incredibly rude woman at work. The ladder I had used to get her two pairs of shoes came crashing down, and hit my face and neck. She only bought one pair, and ten minutes later returned them after complaining they were too expensive. FML

by minimoonpie / 09/07/2011 at 7:55am / Australia (New South Wales) / Work

Today, I came home from out of state. I found out someone online had told my husband that the "fumes" from hot showers can be lethal. As a precaution, he removed the draft-blocking bathroom door to make sure it's "properly ventilated." FML

by marriedtoaretard / 02/19/2012 at 5:45pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, everyone at work asked about the awful, twisted wound on my hand. I was too embarrassed to admit to having torn my skin apart with a pair of tweezers while trying to remove a splinter. FML

by frustrated / 09/03/2012 at 4:20pm / United Kingdom (Hampshire) / Health

Today, I found out that guys will only flirt with me when they're drunk, and even then only when they realize that my best friend is out of their league. FML

by kfenton / 09/29/2012 at 7:16am / United States / Love

Today, I was woken up by my elderly neighbor banging on my door at 2am. She needed "urgent" assistance as she had forgotten how to turn her TV off. I'd just fallen asleep. FML

by Rachael / 11/30/2012 at 2:29am / Australia / Miscellaneous

Today, my mom refused to sign me up for a CPR class, reasoning that if I was ever put in a situation where a person was choking, I could save them using my "common sense" and "intellect". I need the class to graduate. FML

by blob / 02/20/2013 at 7:32pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Miscellaneous

Today, after my coworker bought coffee for me for the fifth time, I thanked him and asked him why. Apparently it's the only way to get me to shut up in the morning so he can get work done. FML

by coffee / 03/07/2013 at 8:44am / United States / Work

Today, I was on a bumpy bus ride and had to write a note, so I held my notebook against the bus window to steady my hand. An elderly woman then yelled at me, accusing me of drawing graffiti on the window. The bus driver kicked me off and I had to wait an hour in the rain for the next bus. FML

by 00sasori / 03/27/2013 at 1:41am / Canada (British Columbia) / Transportation

Today, I got into a car crash, in my own garage. FML

by LilaTheGreat / 05/05/2013 at 7:51pm / United States (Wisconsin) / Transportation

Today, I'm so strapped for cash that I smuggled toilet paper out of my mother's house. FML

by psychopumpkin / 05/13/2013 at 10:16am / United Kingdom (Lincolnshire) / Money

Today, my step-dad's three year old granddaughter slept over. She insisted she didn't need a diaper to go to sleep and they put her in my bed with me, actually believing that she didn't need a diaper. Not only did she kick me all night, but I had the joy of waking up to her peeing on me. FML

by samabomination / 06/02/2013 at 4:29am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Kids