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Today, I got into a fight with my mother. Her idea of a birthday present to me is buying me a husband. Yes, buying. She told an asshat she found online about my trust fund, and now they're both trying to put together "the wedding of the millennium". She still doesn't understand why I'm mad. FML

Today, I finally worked up enough courage to ask out the guy I've had a crush on for months. I texted him, and he thought I was Maddy from work, not Maddie his neighbor. Now he and the Maddy from his work are dating. FML

#20945397
114 comments

I agree, your life sucks (53106) - you deserved it (5511)

On 11/04/2013 at 5:27pm - love - by :/ (woman) - United States (Georgia)

Today, while working customer service, I instructed a customer to press the pound key on her cellphone. She hesitated a moment before asking, "Um, the pound key? You mean the hashtag, right?" FML

#20941322
191 comments

I agree, your life sucks (42071) - you deserved it (3900)

On 11/01/2013 at 12:49pm - work - by #isthisthepoundkey? - United States (Florida)

Today, my 19-year-old, long-distance boyfriend told me he wouldn't be able to text me all day because it's too hard to type while in his Spider-Man suit. It's non-negotiable. FML

#20940116
152 comments

I agree, your life sucks (36672) - you deserved it (14263)

On 10/31/2013 at 10:30am - love - by AML (woman) - United States (New York)

Today, after having my sinuses draining for a couple days, my ma stopped by for a surprise visit. Upon discovering the trash can full of used tissues, she called my pastor grandfather to talk to me about the chronic masturbation problem I don't have, but that everyone now thinks I have. FML

Today, while babysitting a girl, I told her to be quiet so she wouldn't wake her little brother. In reply, she told me that she would kill me, wake her brother up to show him my dead body, then draw all over my face. I'm stuck with her for another two hours. FML

#20966535
96 comments

I agree, your life sucks (44729) - you deserved it (3351)

On 11/22/2013 at 1:20am - kids - by spooked (woman) - United States (Indiana)

Today, my girlfriend "got even" with me after an argument by telling people that I've been beating her. Three guys later came over to my place and beat the crap out of me. Her reaction: "I didn't think they'd take it so serious!" FML

Today, during sex, my girlfriend got so bored that she asked me to tell her a story. FML

#20950354
85 comments

I agree, your life sucks (41940) - you deserved it (17611)

On 11/08/2013 at 3:02pm - intimacy - by notsogood - United States

Today, concerned about my daughter's recent behavior, I looked through her web browser history. I found web searches for information on how to make a bomb to blow up a "horse". I'm not sure if she's illiterate, but either way it seems I need to get her some help. FML

#20977212
103 comments

I agree, your life sucks (41054) - you deserved it (3994)

On 12/01/2013 at 4:43pm - kids - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Hawaii)

Today, I logged onto Facebook to see one of my "friends" had used my account to post a coming-out story. It had comments on it such as "I knew it!" "Finally." and "That explains so much." FML

#20970954
80 comments

I agree, your life sucks (42189) - you deserved it (4636)

On 11/26/2013 at 12:21am - misc - by Thanks guys - United States (Texas)

Today, I took my cat to the vet's. When the vet took her temperature anally, I couldn't stop laughing. The vet had to ask me to leave the room. FML

Today, I took my younger sister to see Santa for a photo. Santa insisted that I was in the photo too. I wasn't sure why he made such a big deal about it until he groped me while the photo was being taken. FML

Today, I learned that when your mom threatens to embarrass you by singing in public, the wrong response is, "Yeah? I dare you." FML



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