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Today, the girl I've had a crush on decided she wanted to see a movie with me. I tried to hold her hand during the movie and it was great for about 4 minutes. Then she said "Can I have my hand back?" FML

by vargasm / 01/18/2009 at 7:12am / United States (New York) / Love

Today, I was taken a taxi home after drinking too much. I started to feel sick and, not wanting to be charged the cab cleaning fee, threw up into my handbag instead. When we got to my place I then had to fish through that bag for my wallet to pay the driver. FML

by Unimpressed / 06/03/2009 at 6:40am / Australia (Australian Capital Territory) / Transportation

Today, my husband invited his boss and his wife to dinner. During the meal, I tasted the wine and apologised for its bad quality, somewhat annoyed: "Dont drink that, I'll go and look for another bottle." Unfortunately, it was our guests who had brought the wine in question. FML

by Buzz / 11/29/2008 at 11:11am / Work

Today, it's my birthday. I spent $100 on myself, using it to set up an account so that my son can call me from jail. FML

by Reihna / 10/15/2012 at 9:10am / United States (Virginia) / Kids

Today, I learned that no matter how much you assume that the crunchy bits in a bag of crisps are in fact crisps, you will occasionally find that your assumptions are wrong. Beetles just don't have the same appeal. FML

by Anonymous / 05/08/2009 at 4:02pm / United States (Louisiana) / Miscellaneous

Today, I treated myself to a spa day at home. First, I decided to do a hot oil treatment on my hair. I was leaning over the saucepan of oil on the stove when it flared up in my face. On the bright side, I no longer have to worry about plucking my eyebrows. FML

by torchy / 05/10/2009 at 12:48am / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, while working at a fast food restaurant, I stayed a little overtime to help my manager with dishes. A kid pooped in the slide in the playground area attached to the restaurant itself. I'm the smallest one there. I had to crawl UP the slide to find and clean the poop. FML

by donezo / 06/26/2009 at 1:43am / United States (Minnesota) / Work

Today, my dog ate my little brothers medication. I spent all morning trying to make him throw it up, but it wasn't working so I took him to the animal hospital, which was in a different city. $150 in poison control and vet bills later, I found the pill we thought he ate stuck under his paw. FML

by glowstick / 06/30/2009 at 2:07am / United States (California) / Animals

Today, my boyfriend and I were talking on the phone, and things got a little heated. We were in the middle of some kinky dialog, complete with hand action when he suddenly goes silent. While waiting for a response, I heard typing on the other end. He was checking his email. FML

by Eskyew / 07/23/2009 at 5:40pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Intimacy

Today, I found out my friend has been texting my long distance boyfriend more than I do. When I confronted her about it, she confessed that it was because they had been planning a surprise appearance for me. I've never been surprised before, and I ruined my own surprise. FML

by neverbeensurprised / 08/14/2009 at 1:29am / United States (Massachusetts) / Miscellaneous

Today, I called my husband during my lunch to tell him that I wanted to go out tonight for my birthday. We got in argument because he said we couldn't afford it. When I got home from work, he was gone, so I called his cell to see where he went. Answer: to the bar with his friends. FML

by Anonymous / 09/25/2009 at 11:15pm / United States (Michigan) / Love

Today, I invited my girlfriend to come over, telling her I had a surprise. I filled the bathtub and lit a lot of candles to be romantic. She gets here, and we start doing our thing. Until we smell something burning. It was my hair. I now have a bald spot on the back of my head. FML

by CandlesSuck / 11/01/2009 at 10:44pm / Canada (Nova Scotia) / Love

Today, I was woken up from a phone call from my boss. He asked if I had been asleep. I told him I wasn't, that I was in my car on the way to work. Then my alarm went off. FML

by Coach / 10/30/2009 at 9:19am / United States (Connecticut) / Transportation